WOW my mind is blown

The one person i did think i got whole bunch of BS really does get it, Jeremy just called to see if i was ok, he got rather deep on the phone, and he actually told me he loves me WOW, He is at work and called me on the phone we had a deep conversation, i guess maybe he is like me and something ya just keep inside,
I truely did not think he got this whole thing,, today i know he does get it and just how serious all this BS really is, WOW my mind really is blown,

It was like Stan on the phone yesterday someone who speaks few words, but every now and then he lets it all out lately, well twice now the phone has gone silent, yesterday was one of those times, then he opens up and says just what is on his mind, and yesterday he told me this is all bull shit, and totally unfair, i told him to stop it cause i will be ok, he calls me daily now, Stan was one thing, but jeremy? WOW i am still in shock, He does get it,
Jeremy only shows his feeling normally when something is really bugging him,
he is a deep person and keeps most things inside well (unless he is mad) LOL
the hurting feelings and the scarey feelings he usally barries, i catch him staring at me alot lately, i just look at him and smile, or give him a hug no need for words, i know the look, i have been there many times in my life, I am scared for him, because i know how he is, the last thing in the world i want to do is hurt the ones i love, in anyway, but somethings are totally out of people control!!
I know why Jeremy called, I think he had things to say that he could not say face to face, but he wanted to say them, he also looked in my folder this morning where i keep my appointments and reports, the report from my surgeon was on top (not where i put it) so after he read that i am sure all his feeling s that he has been keeping in went wild, he did say to me on the phone mom you have had alot of things in your life they said you would not make it out of the hospital from the meningist but you did, but mom this is different, this is scarey, he said you have had a lot of things in your life and always turned out ok, he said so noone really takes it to serious when you are sick, then he said but i seen that paper, then he made me cry he said mom please make it through this time, he said i know how serious this is now, that really shocked me,

I am going to make it through this too, it is just going to be a bit more difficult, but i will do it, :)

Breathing test, friday July 17th 9:00 am

I went to have a ashma breathing test today, I was there for 2 hours long test, and very rough on the chest! the test totally wore me out for the rest of the day not to even speak of the pain i was in for the rest of the day, They came to the conclustion that my shortness of breath is not from my ashma as my lungs fill and empty as they are suppose to, only they do not asorb the O2 and my O2 levels are real low, like 84 the machine they put you on does many many test and at one point it kinda breaths for you, only my lungs could not handle the air it was trying to push in, compaired to the test i had 4 years ago this one has gotten alot worse, and after using the neb machine there it does not help, the one doing the test faxed it right to my lung but being friday i did not think i would hear anything from him today, the one doing the test did put on the test that further test are suggested, IE: MRI, catscan, scope into lungs, now that sounds like fun, that sounds like so much fun, that personally i could do without!!

ON a lighter note Jim and I are going to see my chicy next month :)
i would like to run away and hide while i am there and not come back LOL,

i would love to find a island that no other people are on for the rest of the summer and just stay there,, hmmmmmmmmmm there is only of them at the marsh at the end of the road i think LOL


I will be going to see the lung doctor i believe it is next week, and ultra sound and MRI on the mass in my boob wednesday or thursday of next week,

I just do not understand life anymore

Not sure in what direction life is going anymore, as a matter of fact not sure about much of anything any more, but one thing i do know, all this BS had better push the hell over cause i am coming through!!! and i am not going to stop pushing until i am standing on that other side thumbing my nose at the BS you put unexpecting and undserving people through, this ugly shit keeps rearing its ugly head, BUT I am only going to play this game one way, and that is I WIN!!! so take your ugly BS and get the hell out of my life!!! do not delay just go away you are buggin me!!! you have taken many others in my family but you are not getting me!! so take ya ugly BS and go haunt someone else, cause like i have said before YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS TIME

i have fought you before and i will fight you again but damn i must say i am sick of fighting in my life, i would like to know what happiness is just once in my life time, i mean total happiness, not worry,

people tell me i "need god" or alturnitive medicine, know what i have to say about that? I say if there is a freakin god he is one mean hateful son of a bitch!!!

cruel and hateful!! so why in the hell would i want anything to do with such a thing? one has to ask there self, if there is a such thing why the hell does he make people suffer? giving them cancer, MS? MD, and all of these other un named illness's why the hell would he give drugies good health when they do not care about there health, and they are trying to kill their selfs anyway,? why would he not give all these illness'es to killers, drugies, rapest, why does he give so many babies to people that just abuse them and not let people that really want them and will take care of them have them, WHY WHY i ask you????, WHY does he torcher good people, and give bad people all the good things in life, like their health and kids, and WHY does he give all the bad things to all the good people what the hell!!!

SO, NO TO ME THERE IS NO GOD,

and to me life is hell so you have to be going to a better place, i truely believe that, I will fight this bull shit he has gave me, and no matter where it rares its ugly head, i will fight harder, soooooooooo SCREW YOU CANCER GO VISIT GOD I CAN HEAR HIM CALLING YOU!!!!

thursday july 16th 11:08 pm

Does bad news always come in bucket loads for everyone or just me??

I want to know one thing, is it really as hard as they say it is to give ya bad news????

had my monthly mamo a few days ago, since then my boob has been very hard like knocking on a counter top,

hmmmmmmmmm

then comes the phone call, saying Diane i am sorry to have to tell you this

"the radioligist did not like the looks of your mamogram"

"he thinks we need more biopsi's"

"I am really sorry to have to tell you this again"

hmmmmmmmmmm

my question is does it really bother doctors to call you on the friggin phone and tell you that????hmmmmmmmmm one may never really know,

maybe they need biopsi;s again but they can wait until i see if i am going to have to have biopsi's on my lung, because they can do them at the same time while i am knocked out and remove both of them at the same time!!!

I am done playing!!!!!!!!!!!

either do it and do it right or leave me the hell alone!!!

YUP i have come to that point sadly i have to admit,

and they did not know why i have pain, hmmmmmmmmmm i bet they do now,

the trouble with doctors these days is they do not listen the their patients!!!

if it is back and not even been a year then off the friggin thing, both of them!!

have not said anything to anyone today, not sure i am going to for a while

jeremy does not handle that news well, and with him out there playing in the land of the chain saw i sure do not want him distracted and slip with that friggin thing,

Jim well he has his own issues to deal with maybe having to have another surgry on his neck I hate to see him in pain, and having cancer his self , everyone has enough issues of their own and do not need mine,

NO more friggin lump it out cause that has never worked for me!!!

if it is back the whole thing is leaving this time and while they are at it they can take the other one too, i would not want to be uneven, now would i? lol

along with the part of my lung that has issues if that mass like thingy is cancer i am probably done anyway,

I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME NO MORE!!!

Jim was in pain,

so i sure was not going to lay that on his shoulders!

God Bonnie where are you when i need my person to talk to for advice,

all i have to hear when i go to see the heart surgeon friday is more bad news ,i will bend over and get a running start and run into the cement wall head first!

I m not even kidding, so much to look forward to wooooooooo hooooooooooo aint live gran?

well i guess there is one thing i can think about and that is what boob size do i want, lol i know bad joke, but crying is out of the question,

chemo, a very real posiblty this time

hmmmmmmmmmmmm no hair anywhere on my body for months,

now here is something to look forward to puking everyday,,

oh yeah now thats a treat, everyone should have that on their list of things to look forward to,

more on the serious side here now,

ok i think i have lost it!!!

time for bed Wednesday July 15 12:52 Am

Sunday July 12th 10:19 pm

Well it has been a weard week, with alot of strange feelings

some good some bad, but i try not to let them get to me,