Just Because

I am known by many people,

But I have no friends.

I'll bring you pain and suffering

your happiness i'll end,

My cold embrace, my chilling breath

My silent deadly kiss.

I;ll pick you up, then throw you down,

I'm silent, I;m invisible

i'm a killer you can;t see,

i'll touch you when you least expect

and i'll never set you free,

I don't hate, i don;t discriminate,

I don;t choose who plays my game.

Fat or Black.Young or old

to me you are all the same

There is no reason for whati do

there is no reason why

I chose you just because....

I could!

Life

Life is hard,

life is tough,

You need to be strong

and never give up,

There may be days

that never seem to end

and you feel like you

don;t have a friend,

But keep on walking

Down that road

your friends will follow

and bear your load

but face each day

and what it brings

and you'll be ready

to face anything!!

July 31, MRI and plastic surgeon today

Had a appointment for a breast MRi today, ofcourse they could not get a vein so they had to put a pik line in, after they tried to get a vein like between my fingers, needless to say that sucked, and did not work, so they had to get the ultra sound and do a pik line on the inside of my inner right arm, 3 and a half hour later the MRi was done, the pik line did not hold out and it leaked in my arm, that hurt when they put that dye in for sure,

Plastic surgeon, well my regular surgeon not only admitted that she should have removed all of the breast but now is 98 % sure i have cancer back and not only in one breast but both, so she set up a appointment with a plastic surgeon,

IF this MRi turns out the way she is thinking it is going to i will be having both breast removed, and she set up a appointment with the plastic surgeon for reconstruction, after talking with the plastic i have decided that if it comes to that point i am going to have reconstructive surgery from my own body, no implants, after all i would not want to give myself cancer would i ? LOL

so i will be having lipo from my stomach after a while and and molded into the breast area, what sides do ya think DDD"S?? lol NO just kidding

will be c's the same as now, well i guess another way to look at all this is if i have to have it done i will be getting a smaller stomach while i am at it LOL

ok ok i know bad joke, but it is better then crying, i am trying to handle this the best way i can, and i guess ya know things that hurt rather then cry i try hard to joke about it, :)

I did not tell anyone of these appointments today well for a few difference reasons, #1 i needed to let it stink into my own head,

#2 really did not know how to tell anyone,

#3 everyone has their own issues, 'i just need to do somethings for myself

and i guess i am also trying to let it really sink in, and i do not want people getting all upset, if i do not let myself to be that way noone needs to get that way either,

I know and Everyone else knows this was going to be a rough road ahead

but hey do not lose hope yet cause the fat woman has not sung yet :)

July 30th 2009, 11:00 PM

Been a few days since i have been here, I finished the stairs yesterday,YAY :) they came out great!

Been to one doctor or another everyday this week, Have a MRI tomorrow,

cause doctor really does not like the way things look, many many cyst, and they are turning into abscess, on antibiotics, MRi is to see the underline cause of all this, Doctor admitted that maybe she should have removed the breast when she did the surgery, in much pain try not to let it get to me or let it show, somedays better then others, am REALLY sick and tired of doctors sometimes i feel like what i do not know will not bother me, kinda like ignore it and it will go away :)

Jim remains in pain, hate to see him in pain!

hope they fix him soon,

Lung Dr told me many things the other day, kinda understand things there a little better, can't say i like it but will live with it, Radiation did bad damage to my lung, unfix able, also now understand why they have to wait 3 months to do the next catscan, waiting 3 months will tell them how much the mass in my lung has grown and also how fast, another hurry up and wait,

I still do not say much to many people as they have enough of their own problems, and I can handle this i am a big girl now LOL, TO BIG LOL

my oncologist cleared alot of that up for me yesterday as well, between the tamoxifen and the removal of my inners, well that together is causing all my FAT :( but this too i will win, bread and water here i come LOL

not much energy lately, blood is pretty low, explains why i have been wanting vegies alot, and liver YUCK, but guess my body knows what it needs,

am worried about Jim as he has not had much energy lately either,

or maybe i am boring him to death :( i know at times i am boring myself LOL

still waiting to wake up and all this night mare will be over, both for me and him,

damn i want my old self back,

who ever traded bodies with me and left this old broken down one please give mine back,

think it is time to put this way cause WOW am i dizzy,

still think someone has something to tell me,

hmmmmmmmmmmm