Just Because

I am known by many people,

But I have no friends.

I'll bring you pain and suffering

your happiness i'll end,

My cold embrace, my chilling breath

My silent deadly kiss.

I;ll pick you up, then throw you down,

I'm silent, I;m invisible

i'm a killer you can;t see,

i'll touch you when you least expect

and i'll never set you free,

I don't hate, i don;t discriminate,

I don;t choose who plays my game.

Fat or Black.Young or old

to me you are all the same

There is no reason for whati do

there is no reason why

I chose you just because....

I could!

Life

Life is hard,

life is tough,

You need to be strong

and never give up,

There may be days

that never seem to end

and you feel like you

don;t have a friend,

But keep on walking

Down that road

your friends will follow

and bear your load

but face each day

and what it brings

and you'll be ready

to face anything!!

July 31, MRI and plastic surgeon today

Had a appointment for a breast MRi today, ofcourse they could not get a vein so they had to put a pik line in, after they tried to get a vein like between my fingers, needless to say that sucked, and did not work, so they had to get the ultra sound and do a pik line on the inside of my inner right arm, 3 and a half hour later the MRi was done, the pik line did not hold out and it leaked in my arm, that hurt when they put that dye in for sure,

Plastic surgeon, well my regular surgeon not only admitted that she should have removed all of the breast but now is 98 % sure i have cancer back and not only in one breast but both, so she set up a appointment with a plastic surgeon,

IF this MRi turns out the way she is thinking it is going to i will be having both breast removed, and she set up a appointment with the plastic surgeon for reconstruction, after talking with the plastic i have decided that if it comes to that point i am going to have reconstructive surgery from my own body, no implants, after all i would not want to give myself cancer would i ? LOL

so i will be having lipo from my stomach after a while and and molded into the breast area, what sides do ya think DDD"S?? lol NO just kidding

will be c's the same as now, well i guess another way to look at all this is if i have to have it done i will be getting a smaller stomach while i am at it LOL

ok ok i know bad joke, but it is better then crying, i am trying to handle this the best way i can, and i guess ya know things that hurt rather then cry i try hard to joke about it, :)

I did not tell anyone of these appointments today well for a few difference reasons, #1 i needed to let it stink into my own head,

#2 really did not know how to tell anyone,

#3 everyone has their own issues, 'i just need to do somethings for myself

and i guess i am also trying to let it really sink in, and i do not want people getting all upset, if i do not let myself to be that way noone needs to get that way either,

I know and Everyone else knows this was going to be a rough road ahead

but hey do not lose hope yet cause the fat woman has not sung yet :)

July 30th 2009, 11:00 PM

Been a few days since i have been here, I finished the stairs yesterday,YAY :) they came out great!

Been to one doctor or another everyday this week, Have a MRI tomorrow,

cause doctor really does not like the way things look, many many cyst, and they are turning into abscess, on antibiotics, MRi is to see the underline cause of all this, Doctor admitted that maybe she should have removed the breast when she did the surgery, in much pain try not to let it get to me or let it show, somedays better then others, am REALLY sick and tired of doctors sometimes i feel like what i do not know will not bother me, kinda like ignore it and it will go away :)

Jim remains in pain, hate to see him in pain!

hope they fix him soon,

Lung Dr told me many things the other day, kinda understand things there a little better, can't say i like it but will live with it, Radiation did bad damage to my lung, unfix able, also now understand why they have to wait 3 months to do the next catscan, waiting 3 months will tell them how much the mass in my lung has grown and also how fast, another hurry up and wait,

I still do not say much to many people as they have enough of their own problems, and I can handle this i am a big girl now LOL, TO BIG LOL

my oncologist cleared alot of that up for me yesterday as well, between the tamoxifen and the removal of my inners, well that together is causing all my FAT :( but this too i will win, bread and water here i come LOL

not much energy lately, blood is pretty low, explains why i have been wanting vegies alot, and liver YUCK, but guess my body knows what it needs,

am worried about Jim as he has not had much energy lately either,

or maybe i am boring him to death :( i know at times i am boring myself LOL

still waiting to wake up and all this night mare will be over, both for me and him,

damn i want my old self back,

who ever traded bodies with me and left this old broken down one please give mine back,

think it is time to put this way cause WOW am i dizzy,

still think someone has something to tell me,

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Waves of emotion

Went to the heart doctor today, he said he wants to put the heart on the back burner as it is the least of my worries at this point, he said my valves need to be changed but right now with everything else that is going on it is better to leave it be, i will go back in 6 months.

I am feeling like i need to get the hell outta here right now at this moment,

life kinda sucks,

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so many,

i can't get the music loud enough to hear it through all the thoughts in my head,

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING!!!!

I wish all these thoughts i have in my head would get lost,

hell why can't i forget them like i forget everything else,

like i forget where my doctors offices are, hmmmmm yeah had to go to 3 different places before i found my heart doctor today, even though i was just there 2 weeks ago and many other times,

finally i found it in the 3rd building i went to, lol,

all fooling aside i think they need to check my head and see where my marble have gone,

I LOST MY JAR TOO :)

the feelings i have in my head and all the things going around in my head really are driving me crazy!

i have this dream all the time lately that i just get in my car and leave and go where noone knows me, and stay there, if only i could leave this body behide :)

does not sound half bad does it?? lol

there has to be more to life then this, this hurry up and wait shit drives me nuts,

i wish for once someone would just do it, get it done with, and what ever happens, happens,

i really feel as though i am going to crack up maybe i already am,

sometimes i just do not want to be here anymore, to many things going wrong in this body wish i could trade it in for a new one, lol

what the hell are all these feelings i am having why are they here i do not understand, hell i do not understand anything anymore,

and am really sick of trying to understand, at times .wow got to get off here and out of this house before i continue to freak out as i am right now, i am going for a ride,

Wednesday 22

Ultra sound at 10 tomorrow,

thank god it is a ultra sound and not a boob masher cause there is no way in hell i can do that ,

my boob is killing me and swallen

ok enough of my bitchin lol

Appointments this week,

Wednesday Blood test

Thursday Ultra sound on my boob, not looking forward to it, more biopsy's,

hard to believe i was in this same seat 1 year ago, thinking about how i felt then, still feel as though this is all a dream, and i will wake up soon,

Friday heart doctor yippy just one more thing on my plate!

Monday, Lung doctor, don't want to think about it

Tuesday, surgeon to discuss what needs to be done,

Wednesday, Oncologist, blood test and more blood test

Thursday MRI

Friday medicare renewal,

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!

I MISS MY TUB,