Struggle monday august 10th 2009, 3:27 pm

Today it is really hard to breath, I feel like i am trying to breath under water,

it is zapping all my energy, feeling real sleepy, just want to lay down,

but am going to keep moving,

the water here has been off all day so the town can hook up the new houses

it just came on a little while ago and even after running it for 10 minutes it is still black and muddy, mmmmmmmmmmm think i want a drink of that :)

really not much to write things have been kinda slow for once,

still have not got my MRI results, who says Doctors are allowed to go on vacation anyway lol,

tomorrow night back to the sleep clinic for another night of fun lol,

friday leaving to see my chicy that i miss so much, can't wait

Thursday August 6th, 10:38 am

I got it chicy :)

Have not wrote anything here for the last few days,

Yesterdays over night test, did not go so good, my o2 level drops way low while i am sleeping, in low 80's, had to have o2, which really does not surprise me since i have been so short of breath this week, real bad,

I just added a video to my site, i heard this song on the radio yesterday while i spent the day in concord, and balled my eyes out like a baby LOL so had to enter it to my blog, I guess the people that know me know i love angels anyway.

i need to get my collection out and put them up...

seeing my lung doctor sooner then i was suppose to

cat scan sooner also, because after he got all the blood results back and went over the cat scan i already had with the radiologist they did not like the results,

my blood does not mix right with my o2 or should of said that the other way around, had a cat scan already set up for sept 1st, but he wants it sooner,

so now i am having it on the 20th,

Still have not got my results of breast MRI i had on friday, my doctor has not got report yet as the radiologist is on vacation, so i went to hospital to pick it up they gave me the CD but said they can not give me the report until a doctor sits down and talks to me about it, Sigh, i hate hurry up and wait!!!

today i have a really strange peaceful feeling,

8days left before i see my chicy,

I know tears will fly that day LOL

damn where did all these years go? yesterday i was 20 not a care in the world,

today well ya know i am 28 :)and so many things going on in life,

Still wanting to dance, i find my self thinking about that all the time,

kinda want to be a little wild these days, before the time comes i can't. sad but true, no one in their 40's should be thinking those thought but when faced with so many things in the last year i guess i do not know where life will be heading in another year from now or even sadder to say what kind of shape i will be in, and well i will not finish the rest cause that would just make me and many other people upset, as i sit here with tears in my eyes LOL

I think today i will head for the park for a while have not been there for a while and really love to walk around there and think and just take in all the smells of the flowers, and all the colors,

then off to Jims i miss you babe, i love you HUG

Monday August 3, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

The last 2 days breathing has not been good, yesterday worse then today, plus anxiety attacks (where the heck did these come from anyway) have never had them in my life, they started in june and still getting them, i am told it is all the crap i am going through but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and these things are driving me nuts, i never really understood when someone would say they were having one until june when it happened to me for the first time, when it is a bad one it kinda could make someone think they were having a heart attack, i do not let them get that bad now as i have meds to calm me down if i feel it starting,

Appointments for this week,

tomorrow night send night in hospital, No biggy and kinda crazy have to have a sleep study, like i said before kinda crazy cause even if they tell me i have to have that machine to sleep knowing me i will not wear it cause it will drive me crazy, but who knows Jim says he knows guys he works with that have them and the guys say they feel sooooooooooo much better since they started using it,

i just do not think it is going to be to easy sleeping with something covering my face hmmmmmmmm,

that is the only appointment this week WOW how did i manage that one lol

Jim is in more and more pain by the day, arm is almost always numb now, it breaks my heart to see him hurting and in pain, i wish they would hurry the hell up, between the 2 of us we are keeping the doctors very busy, NOT GOOD,

:) counting the days until we go to VA, :)

for the first time in a very long time i have actually done something good for my self today, i bought a brand new car, :) well have not got it yet cause the dealership has to make sure the clunker money comes through before i pick it up,

i have said for a long time i would never buy another new car, but the used ones with over 100,000 miles on them are just as much as i am paying for the new one,

the insurance will be the killer,

anyway i still not allowing myself to get to excited until i actually have it here in my yard :)

one thing i will do when i get it is go see my brother cause he has a hard time driving down here cause his knee and ankle are in rough shape, when i go i will surprise him , ofcourse i could get that and the surprise be on me and he won't be home lol i have wanted to get in my car and drive and when i get the new one i will actually dare to lol,

Donna sent me another email tonight, not asking how i am, not even asking whats going on, nothing, like she could give a shit less, i was good though cause i wanted to send her a email and tell her just what i really think of her, and tell her to lose my email address, and to F off, she has proved to me through this last year, that she really could give a damn less if i am dead or alive, and i now feel the same about her, and i just want so much to tell her,

god forbid something happen to me, if it does i have told just about everyone she is not even to be allowed in there, not even for a second, i will tell Jim, jeremy and Jen already know, and i will also tell stan, as i have before, to me if she does not give a damn while i am here she need not even try to come there with her fake tears, they are not wanted or needed, (UNLESS) i can sit up and put my hands around her throat and choke her to death LOL

i am working on more poems so more coming soon,I am going to call and get the results of my MRI tomorrow cause i do not want to wait any longer,hmmmmm wonder if i can call and order them now and get them tomorrow, well lets just see :) there just called to pick those reports and mri's up tomorrow,

these days i like to see with my own 2 little eyeballs just what the test say,

I am still hoping and praying that they will not be as bad as my surgeon thinks they will be, we will see

wish i was with my sweetheart tonight, but i did see him this afternoon cause he went with me to get the car :)

THANK YOU BABE!

I still want to get the disability insurance on it just incase i am out of work then the insurance pays for it until i go back to work

i wasn't born yesterday LOL

cause the way i am going i could be out having more sergry and it would be nice if the car payment was being paid :)

i had that before when i had the first car i ever bought and WOW did that come in handy since i had many surgeries then, well worth the couple hundred ya have to pay for it :)

when i think about work coming up fast it kinda makes me sick, i was hoping after taking the summer totally off i would feel different about the place but seems i hate it more, really think i would be happier in a store, and after the startup meeting i maybe doing just that oh wait not until after the seafood fest lol

if i put the money i got for the seafood fest on my car a BIG chunk of it would be paid for :)

Just Because

I am known by many people,

But I have no friends.

I'll bring you pain and suffering

your happiness i'll end,

My cold embrace, my chilling breath

My silent deadly kiss.

I;ll pick you up, then throw you down,

I'm silent, I;m invisible

i'm a killer you can;t see,

i'll touch you when you least expect

and i'll never set you free,

I don't hate, i don;t discriminate,

I don;t choose who plays my game.

Fat or Black.Young or old

to me you are all the same

There is no reason for whati do

there is no reason why

I chose you just because....

I could!

Life

Life is hard,

life is tough,

You need to be strong

and never give up,

There may be days

that never seem to end

and you feel like you

don;t have a friend,

But keep on walking

Down that road

your friends will follow

and bear your load

but face each day

and what it brings

and you'll be ready

to face anything!!

July 31, MRI and plastic surgeon today

Had a appointment for a breast MRi today, ofcourse they could not get a vein so they had to put a pik line in, after they tried to get a vein like between my fingers, needless to say that sucked, and did not work, so they had to get the ultra sound and do a pik line on the inside of my inner right arm, 3 and a half hour later the MRi was done, the pik line did not hold out and it leaked in my arm, that hurt when they put that dye in for sure,

Plastic surgeon, well my regular surgeon not only admitted that she should have removed all of the breast but now is 98 % sure i have cancer back and not only in one breast but both, so she set up a appointment with a plastic surgeon,

IF this MRi turns out the way she is thinking it is going to i will be having both breast removed, and she set up a appointment with the plastic surgeon for reconstruction, after talking with the plastic i have decided that if it comes to that point i am going to have reconstructive surgery from my own body, no implants, after all i would not want to give myself cancer would i ? LOL

so i will be having lipo from my stomach after a while and and molded into the breast area, what sides do ya think DDD"S?? lol NO just kidding

will be c's the same as now, well i guess another way to look at all this is if i have to have it done i will be getting a smaller stomach while i am at it LOL

ok ok i know bad joke, but it is better then crying, i am trying to handle this the best way i can, and i guess ya know things that hurt rather then cry i try hard to joke about it, :)

I did not tell anyone of these appointments today well for a few difference reasons, #1 i needed to let it stink into my own head,

#2 really did not know how to tell anyone,

#3 everyone has their own issues, 'i just need to do somethings for myself

and i guess i am also trying to let it really sink in, and i do not want people getting all upset, if i do not let myself to be that way noone needs to get that way either,

I know and Everyone else knows this was going to be a rough road ahead

but hey do not lose hope yet cause the fat woman has not sung yet :)

July 30th 2009, 11:00 PM

Been a few days since i have been here, I finished the stairs yesterday,YAY :) they came out great!

Been to one doctor or another everyday this week, Have a MRI tomorrow,

cause doctor really does not like the way things look, many many cyst, and they are turning into abscess, on antibiotics, MRi is to see the underline cause of all this, Doctor admitted that maybe she should have removed the breast when she did the surgery, in much pain try not to let it get to me or let it show, somedays better then others, am REALLY sick and tired of doctors sometimes i feel like what i do not know will not bother me, kinda like ignore it and it will go away :)

Jim remains in pain, hate to see him in pain!

hope they fix him soon,

Lung Dr told me many things the other day, kinda understand things there a little better, can't say i like it but will live with it, Radiation did bad damage to my lung, unfix able, also now understand why they have to wait 3 months to do the next catscan, waiting 3 months will tell them how much the mass in my lung has grown and also how fast, another hurry up and wait,

I still do not say much to many people as they have enough of their own problems, and I can handle this i am a big girl now LOL, TO BIG LOL

my oncologist cleared alot of that up for me yesterday as well, between the tamoxifen and the removal of my inners, well that together is causing all my FAT :( but this too i will win, bread and water here i come LOL

not much energy lately, blood is pretty low, explains why i have been wanting vegies alot, and liver YUCK, but guess my body knows what it needs,

am worried about Jim as he has not had much energy lately either,

or maybe i am boring him to death :( i know at times i am boring myself LOL

still waiting to wake up and all this night mare will be over, both for me and him,

damn i want my old self back,

who ever traded bodies with me and left this old broken down one please give mine back,

think it is time to put this way cause WOW am i dizzy,

still think someone has something to tell me,

hmmmmmmmmmmm