HELL NO I WON'T GO!! monday oct 12,2009, 3:00pm

The doctor called and i told him that i still feel like crap, and about all the sweating and out of breath and pain, he wanted me to head to the ER, I told him NO i am done with that and all set there, not going back there, it does no good, he said he is worried and does not like what i am telling him, hmmmmmmm (he doesn't like it)? in all fairness this doctor is awesome and i am new to him, because the other doctor i had (in the same office) SUCKED did not listen to a thing, but anyway he thinks he doesn't like it?? if he does not like to hear it how does he or anyone else think i feel,

i am really thinking about going to boston and see what they have to say,

Sunday Oct 11, 2009 10 pm

Been a while since i have put anything in here,

been a longggg month, and still feeling like shit,

so many thing the doctors find not even sure what to blame all this on anymore,

just know i feel worse then i have in a very long time,

I am hoping for some answers on thursday or before,

my doctor does not want me to return to work, and i really do not feel like it but think i am going to try my old ways for a while and ignore the hurting things and all that is making me feel so damn shitty and push through it like i use to,

it can only do 1 of 2 things, either i will get through it or it will put me flat on my butt again, not that i am really been off my back for a while now,

try to do anything and have to lay down or a while, NOT THE LIFE I WANT,

as matter of fact hate it, see what my doctor says about the results of talking to my lung doctor,

I have NEVER been a person to lay down during the day time not even as a kid,

now i can not seem to stay up, i really hate it, and really hate feeling this way something has to give,

Wednesday 23, 2009, 109 pm

Longing for the day when i actually feel human again, went to doctor yesterday cause was in so much pain, she took 100 cc's of fluid from my breast, but somehow she knew that was not causing all the pain i am in, she listened to my lungs and she said she can not hear any breath sounds in my right lung, so she sent me to the hospital for xrays, sure enough the pain i am in was not only from my breat, i have pnuemonia, and she said its not good, so i have to go back friday to see her again and have to go monday too, and seeing my lung doctor tomorrow, tomorrow morning WTF i have had enough already..... went to boston with Jim to make sure he actaully went and make sure nothing has changed or got worse, good news there
his PSA was good he has to go back in 6 months :) mean while i am in so much pain i REALLY can't stand it, I have to have another xray in a week cause they are not sure that the pnuemonia is going to clear because of the mass in my lung, i have actaully forgot what it feels like to feel good, i am out of work now until further notice, i just wish i could breath and wish this pain would go away, am wondering if the killer machine did this (killer machine= cpap)
I am really tired and really sick of playinng this game, it does not seem like there is a end to it,
Jim said i look bad, and stacy said as long as she has known me she has never seem me look so bad, it is hard to tell anyone how i actually feel, Jim wanted to talk me to the hospital today instead of going his self but no i want to know he is ok, atleast for now, and now i know he is now i can take care of me, or atleast try to :( i feel so bad right now i would give anything just for this pain to stop!!!

Sunday Sept 20.2009

Its been a while since i have worte in here, Been not feeling well since friday, kinda feel like i have been hit by a car, my chest is hurting, and well my bad boob is bigger then my good boob hmmmmmmmm that can't be good! Have to see Dr friday, might have to go before then, going to have a pet scan, not sure if that is the right spelling but that is what it sounds like lol, it is a scan from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet and it picks up everything, or it is suppose to, even if it is just a swallen joint, i guess i will see, it is a 3 to 4 hour scan, now don't that sound like fun? Not! i have NO energy at all today i have been pushing myself and pushing myself to do things today, and that probably is not helping, oh well such is life,

Friday, September 4,2009

It's been a week and a day since my last surgry, In which i had 2 areas, the margens came back clear, so i guess that is a good thing, now fighting a infection and fluid building up, had under my arm drained today, now that was fun, NOT ! then was wrapped like a mommy in a ace bandage real tight it is suppose to keep the fluid out of there, but i was not able to keep it on it hurt to much, and another change of antibiotics now i am on 2, as for the boob well it is draining itself about everyother day YUCK!!

i will be going back on wednesday and i am sure from what she said today she will be draining more then, and another tight wrap to keep the fluid out,

I will try hard to leave that one in place for 3 days,

and also there may have to be IV antibiotics if this infection has not improved, time will tell,

Wednesday 26 2009, 9:30 pm surgry tomorrow

Went to see surgeon today @4 as i knew she was going to say i need surgery again, BIG SURPRISE, NOT!

only it is not the same this time, instead of

ductal carcinoma like last time this time it is

atypical intraductal hyperplasia

all these big words,

what does all this mean? well all leads to same thing

breast cancer, so tomorrow once again i am having surgery,

followed by MRI's every 3 months then every 6 months for 8 years,

am extra upset about this surgery tomorrow because it screwed up my plans

I had a interview tomorrow at the power plant that i now can not go to :( :( :(

August 21, byopsi results

I got the results of my biopsy's yesterday friday the 21st,

I didn;t need to have them done as i already knew what the results were going to be,

in less then a year the cancer is back or never gone, not much of a surprise to me,

I have been telling the doctor for months now i am in pain again,

i knew it was there,

the only way to have a fighting chance with this thing is to have both breast removed,

or i know this night mare is just going to keep on going and going,

so i see the surgeon on wednesday, when she is by no doubt going to tell me she has to remove another PART of my breast, only this time she is going to get NO, she is going to remove it all and all of the other one as well or i will find someone who will!!!!

this coming monday i have another fun filled day going for me,

having another cat scan on my lungs to see if that has grown and if so how much,

all this excitement is almost more then i can handle,

I was told tonight to stop thinking about it, maybe i am numb or something but how do ya stop thinking about something that is all but taking over your life???

and how do you stop thinking about when these surgeries happen how am i going to pay my bills??

If anyone has answers to that please let me know cause i do not see how its going to happen,

and here i am looking at a new car, YEAH RIGHT i may as well forget about that cause its not happening, if i am not working would be a little impossible to pay a car payment or insurance payments let alone lights, heat, food, cable, any or that,

i guess this is one of those times when it seems no matter what corner i turn there is a brick wall there that i run right into, to high to climb over and to wide to get around,

lately i have been thinking about finding a support group just to have someone to talk to that truly understands, understands the feeling you have inside, understands the pain you are in EVERY day every minute of everyday, someone that understands the lack of energy you have,

cause noone truly understands that now,

I know i am facing surgery maybe more then one, no definitely more then one there will be 2 just for my breast,

then another possible one for my lungs,

i really see no light at the end of this tunnel at this time, and people just do not understand that,

sometimes i think it would just be easier if i ignored the whole bunch of crap,

the feeling like i am going to crack up is bad,

friggin doctor why didn't she just take them off in the first place like i told her to, a damn year ago!!

not thinking about it does not work for me, i have a constant reminder in the pain i am in all day every day, although i try to hide it, it is becoming more and more impossible to do!!

damn i wish dad or bonnie were here,