wednesday oct, 14, 921 pm

feeling kinda yucky today, think my pain has pain, NOT FUN!!

trying new pain meds, Doc want hoping they would work without making me sick, well my did a job on my tummy, but i may as well of drank a glass of water cause it would of helped the pain as much as they did,

all they managed to do is upset my tummy, and this is gross but i am burping uncontrolable, and OMG it is like farting out of ya mouth, YUCK!!!

doctor called me this afternoon, he says he has a bunch of test he wants to do,

he also talked to my lung doctor and the lung Dr has a bunch of test he wants him to do sooooooooo guess i am back to test land, i have to see him tomorrow,

i wish walmart sold new bodies, i would for sure be getting one,

I told my boss yesterday i wish they could put people to sleep like they do animals, i would be saying hit me, now that is sad, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and in pain, and now being out of work for a month now and still out until further notice says doctor, what kind of life is this? i will tell ya

A SUCKY ONE!!

to see my son always so upset and the first thing he does in the morning when he gets up is check on me, and the first thing he does when he gets home from work or if he should go out the first thing he does is come check on me and calls me a bunch of times aday to make sure i am ok, it is ripping my heart out,

he stands in my door way or sits on the bottom of my bed and stairs at me all the time, i think he has hugged me more then he ever has in his whole life and if you know jeremy you know he does not do that.... I even find Jim staring at me, i do not know why he puts up with all this crap i am going through and have asked him many times... i am hoping for answers tomorrow and to get what ever this is fixed, all of it everything , i just do not know how much more i can handle of this, and told my doctor he better get a rubber room ready cause this is going to drive me crazy,... this doctor is awesome, and he is trying so hard to get to the bottom of all this, how oftened does a doctor, and i mean (the doctor) not his office staff actually call anyone their self any more, well this doctor does and he not only calls to give me results he calls to see how i am doing and how i am feeling, i got so upset in his office on tuesday and he was great, i told him people are going to think i am nuts, he said NO your totally no nuts, and he said he can tell when someone is seeking drugs or making things up and he can tell when something is real worng and he said he knows there is something really wrong, he said he is actually worried because of all the things that are pointing to not so good things,,, including my BP going totally crazy, one minute it is really high then a minute later it is low then it goes right back up real high, and my pulse is running between 90 and 130, he says that alone tells him that something is totally wrong, he said it is just finding it that is the hard part,

anyway hopefully tomorrow there will be some answers,

HELL NO I WON'T GO!! monday oct 12,2009, 3:00pm

The doctor called and i told him that i still feel like crap, and about all the sweating and out of breath and pain, he wanted me to head to the ER, I told him NO i am done with that and all set there, not going back there, it does no good, he said he is worried and does not like what i am telling him, hmmmmmmm (he doesn't like it)? in all fairness this doctor is awesome and i am new to him, because the other doctor i had (in the same office) SUCKED did not listen to a thing, but anyway he thinks he doesn't like it?? if he does not like to hear it how does he or anyone else think i feel,

i am really thinking about going to boston and see what they have to say,

Sunday Oct 11, 2009 10 pm

Been a while since i have put anything in here,

been a longggg month, and still feeling like shit,

so many thing the doctors find not even sure what to blame all this on anymore,

just know i feel worse then i have in a very long time,

I am hoping for some answers on thursday or before,

my doctor does not want me to return to work, and i really do not feel like it but think i am going to try my old ways for a while and ignore the hurting things and all that is making me feel so damn shitty and push through it like i use to,

it can only do 1 of 2 things, either i will get through it or it will put me flat on my butt again, not that i am really been off my back for a while now,

try to do anything and have to lay down or a while, NOT THE LIFE I WANT,

as matter of fact hate it, see what my doctor says about the results of talking to my lung doctor,

I have NEVER been a person to lay down during the day time not even as a kid,

now i can not seem to stay up, i really hate it, and really hate feeling this way something has to give,

Wednesday 23, 2009, 109 pm

Longing for the day when i actually feel human again, went to doctor yesterday cause was in so much pain, she took 100 cc's of fluid from my breast, but somehow she knew that was not causing all the pain i am in, she listened to my lungs and she said she can not hear any breath sounds in my right lung, so she sent me to the hospital for xrays, sure enough the pain i am in was not only from my breat, i have pnuemonia, and she said its not good, so i have to go back friday to see her again and have to go monday too, and seeing my lung doctor tomorrow, tomorrow morning WTF i have had enough already..... went to boston with Jim to make sure he actaully went and make sure nothing has changed or got worse, good news there
his PSA was good he has to go back in 6 months :) mean while i am in so much pain i REALLY can't stand it, I have to have another xray in a week cause they are not sure that the pnuemonia is going to clear because of the mass in my lung, i have actaully forgot what it feels like to feel good, i am out of work now until further notice, i just wish i could breath and wish this pain would go away, am wondering if the killer machine did this (killer machine= cpap)
I am really tired and really sick of playinng this game, it does not seem like there is a end to it,
Jim said i look bad, and stacy said as long as she has known me she has never seem me look so bad, it is hard to tell anyone how i actually feel, Jim wanted to talk me to the hospital today instead of going his self but no i want to know he is ok, atleast for now, and now i know he is now i can take care of me, or atleast try to :( i feel so bad right now i would give anything just for this pain to stop!!!

Sunday Sept 20.2009

Its been a while since i have worte in here, Been not feeling well since friday, kinda feel like i have been hit by a car, my chest is hurting, and well my bad boob is bigger then my good boob hmmmmmmmm that can't be good! Have to see Dr friday, might have to go before then, going to have a pet scan, not sure if that is the right spelling but that is what it sounds like lol, it is a scan from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet and it picks up everything, or it is suppose to, even if it is just a swallen joint, i guess i will see, it is a 3 to 4 hour scan, now don't that sound like fun? Not! i have NO energy at all today i have been pushing myself and pushing myself to do things today, and that probably is not helping, oh well such is life,

Friday, September 4,2009

It's been a week and a day since my last surgry, In which i had 2 areas, the margens came back clear, so i guess that is a good thing, now fighting a infection and fluid building up, had under my arm drained today, now that was fun, NOT ! then was wrapped like a mommy in a ace bandage real tight it is suppose to keep the fluid out of there, but i was not able to keep it on it hurt to much, and another change of antibiotics now i am on 2, as for the boob well it is draining itself about everyother day YUCK!!

i will be going back on wednesday and i am sure from what she said today she will be draining more then, and another tight wrap to keep the fluid out,

I will try hard to leave that one in place for 3 days,

and also there may have to be IV antibiotics if this infection has not improved, time will tell,

Wednesday 26 2009, 9:30 pm surgry tomorrow

Went to see surgeon today @4 as i knew she was going to say i need surgery again, BIG SURPRISE, NOT!

only it is not the same this time, instead of

ductal carcinoma like last time this time it is

atypical intraductal hyperplasia

all these big words,

what does all this mean? well all leads to same thing

breast cancer, so tomorrow once again i am having surgery,

followed by MRI's every 3 months then every 6 months for 8 years,

am extra upset about this surgery tomorrow because it screwed up my plans

I had a interview tomorrow at the power plant that i now can not go to :( :( :(