Hurry up and wait part 2 7/1/09

So many test, it all takes so long then it is again hurry up and wait,

do they not understand i do not want to wait any more,?

does anyone hear me,

i guess all ya can do is wait,

take each day as it comes,

and push through as much as you can,

i would love to be my old self once again

what happened to that person?

it is like someone switched my strong body to this weak

broken down wreck of a so called body while i slept,

what a dirty trick :)

Fight Ahead

I sit with my doctor in fear of what he'll say,

I do not know what to expect today,

The fear grew so strong i just wanted to run,

I can't face the thought of telling anyone,

The feeling of emptiness and loneliness fluttered my soul,

Knowing the beast has taking control,

Invaded my life with not the slightest remorse,

and dragging me through a heartless course,

the darkness is growing

even though the sun shine bright,

refusing to cry and geared for a fight,

you have a lot of fighting in the months ahead

are the words i have circling around in my head,

Radiation is the worse of my fears

all that has been said,

I store in my head,

looking in the mirror the reflection i see

is that of the beast staring back at me,

my eyes so empty and hollow are they,

wishing this nightmare would just go away

days come and weeks go

courage and straight have started to show

you are taking over my life with total control

but i will fight you with my fighting soul

i fought you then

and will fight you again

cause i know from experience you'll be bet in the end

that horrible beast came to me

with no answers

for the beast i am fighting is breast cancer!

Why ask how i feel

Donna called today,

why ask how i feel when she really does not give damn??

over the past year she has really showed that,

besides all the things she totally lied about.

all she really wanted to know is

If i am going to buy her out,

WOW

how the ole mighty dollar can drive people,

yeah it is on my list of things to do,

only it is on the bottom

SORRY

got more pressing things that will come way before that ever does!!!

it is just not top on my list right now,

NIGHT BEFORE LUNG DOCTOR

Its 11:35 pm, june 30th

looks like its going to be a sleepless night,

thinking about lung doctor tomorrow not wanting to hear what he has to say,

hoping for the best, but fearing the worse,

not sure how i feel about it all at this point,

to much to fast,

Breast cancer, Heart problems,Lung problems

they say you are not giving more then you can handle

WELL

Have handled enough of this in my life time!!!

If it is true that what does not kill us only makes us stronger

then how the hell come i have gotten so weak!

not understanding where all this is leading

and not sure i want to know,

just know that saying is oh so true

LIVE EVERY DAY TO ITS FULLEST

cause you never know when it will be your last!!

pressure in chest is not good tonight

took meds but no relief

hmmmmmmmmmmm

what good are they anyway!!

not knowing what the doctor will say tomorrow

should not allow myself to worry about it

But some times that is easier said then done,

If bad news tomorrow not sure if or when i will tell anyone

this time as this is a bit more involved then breast cancer!

Not looking forward to more surgery

but

believe from what lung/allergist said Monday there will be,

at this point nothing would suprise me!

Its thundering outside now

i love thunder storms

Thank you Mickey :)

Still think daily bout getting in my car and just driving way

But

somethings you just can not leave behide,

am really sick of trying to hide how hard it really is to breath

threw my neb in the closet today i m done with that thing!

WOW

think i am actually having a pitty party tonight,

nah, am just pissed,

raining real hard now kinda sounds like it is going to come through the roof

hmmmmmmmmmm

this site helps give me a place to get all this off my mind,

July 1st seeing lung doctor

HURRY UP AND WAIT monday 6/29/09

went for a echo today, not sure how that will come out, it took over an hour

nurse kept leaving coming back and saying the doctor wants just a couple more pictures,

hell she even took pictures of my neck,

what the hell!!!

now the hurry up and wait starts,

i have a appointment july 24th

I bet i find out before then,

well if i have anything to say about it,

will call and bug them until they tell me either everything is ok or its not,

sick of waiting games,

sick of doctors all together!!!