Waves of emotion

Went to the heart doctor today, he said he wants to put the heart on the back burner as it is the least of my worries at this point, he said my valves need to be changed but right now with everything else that is going on it is better to leave it be, i will go back in 6 months.

I am feeling like i need to get the hell outta here right now at this moment,

life kinda sucks,

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so many,

i can't get the music loud enough to hear it through all the thoughts in my head,

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING!!!!

I wish all these thoughts i have in my head would get lost,

hell why can't i forget them like i forget everything else,

like i forget where my doctors offices are, hmmmmm yeah had to go to 3 different places before i found my heart doctor today, even though i was just there 2 weeks ago and many other times,

finally i found it in the 3rd building i went to, lol,

all fooling aside i think they need to check my head and see where my marble have gone,

I LOST MY JAR TOO :)

the feelings i have in my head and all the things going around in my head really are driving me crazy!

i have this dream all the time lately that i just get in my car and leave and go where noone knows me, and stay there, if only i could leave this body behide :)

does not sound half bad does it?? lol

there has to be more to life then this, this hurry up and wait shit drives me nuts,

i wish for once someone would just do it, get it done with, and what ever happens, happens,

i really feel as though i am going to crack up maybe i already am,

sometimes i just do not want to be here anymore, to many things going wrong in this body wish i could trade it in for a new one, lol

what the hell are all these feelings i am having why are they here i do not understand, hell i do not understand anything anymore,

and am really sick of trying to understand, at times .wow got to get off here and out of this house before i continue to freak out as i am right now, i am going for a ride,

Wednesday 22

Ultra sound at 10 tomorrow,

thank god it is a ultra sound and not a boob masher cause there is no way in hell i can do that ,

my boob is killing me and swallen

ok enough of my bitchin lol

Appointments this week,

Wednesday Blood test

Thursday Ultra sound on my boob, not looking forward to it, more biopsy's,

hard to believe i was in this same seat 1 year ago, thinking about how i felt then, still feel as though this is all a dream, and i will wake up soon,

Friday heart doctor yippy just one more thing on my plate!

Monday, Lung doctor, don't want to think about it

Tuesday, surgeon to discuss what needs to be done,

Wednesday, Oncologist, blood test and more blood test

Thursday MRI

Friday medicare renewal,

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!

I MISS MY TUB,

To my children, (Althought you are grown)

I remember years ago,

You were so small then,

Sometimes I can't help but wish,

That you were both small again!

I've cried when you've faced heartache,

and saw, that as you grew

nothing broke your spirit,

instead it strenghtened you,

I'm filled with mixed emotions

as I hold back all the tears,

and with so much pride remember,

back so many years.

When I first held you in my arms,

if only i had known,

the years would feel like moments,

until you both had grown,

you are not a child anymore

although in my eyes

I guess you'll always be

that baby who changed my life

and means the world to me!!

I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

Mom and Dad

You were there for my first breath,

And I was there for your last,

The time we got to share together,

went by to quick..... to fast!

for life or someone took you away,

with that hateful, horrible disease,

We were not even given time, to sneeze,

You were gone, and I was left

To struggle through this life,

The pain struck more when I looked into mom's eyes,

as she dreaded to continue without you,

Continue she did, for a while

how proud I was of she,

Times were tough, as she missed you dearly,

but she was always as strong as could be.

Then came along in not much time,,

more horrible and sad news,

Mom was sick, the same as you,

The heart had got her too,

How could this be? Its hardly a year,

Since I lost you, my dad,

I hate this world for what it is doing!

Why does our family have to be that someone??

I stayed with mom for a while,

Eventually it made her quite sick,

Then it was time to say goodbye to mom too,

I wish it was a dream, and i could wake up,

but this nightmare is horribly true,

and so I continue, each day different from the next,

The pain still so real and true,

still trying to accept, and understand,

why did this happen to you?

I now sit, and try to picture you two,

and hope that you are both together,

and this world we live in is not the end!!

Until its time for us to meet again,

Please be there watching over me,

Help me to continue through this life

and give me direction I can see,

Mom and Dad you are my world,

you are both as precious as a pearl,

everyday I love you with all my heart,

Signed....... your little girl....

WOW my mind is blown

The one person i did think i got whole bunch of BS really does get it, Jeremy just called to see if i was ok, he got rather deep on the phone, and he actually told me he loves me WOW, He is at work and called me on the phone we had a deep conversation, i guess maybe he is like me and something ya just keep inside,
I truely did not think he got this whole thing,, today i know he does get it and just how serious all this BS really is, WOW my mind really is blown,

It was like Stan on the phone yesterday someone who speaks few words, but every now and then he lets it all out lately, well twice now the phone has gone silent, yesterday was one of those times, then he opens up and says just what is on his mind, and yesterday he told me this is all bull shit, and totally unfair, i told him to stop it cause i will be ok, he calls me daily now, Stan was one thing, but jeremy? WOW i am still in shock, He does get it,
Jeremy only shows his feeling normally when something is really bugging him,
he is a deep person and keeps most things inside well (unless he is mad) LOL
the hurting feelings and the scarey feelings he usally barries, i catch him staring at me alot lately, i just look at him and smile, or give him a hug no need for words, i know the look, i have been there many times in my life, I am scared for him, because i know how he is, the last thing in the world i want to do is hurt the ones i love, in anyway, but somethings are totally out of people control!!
I know why Jeremy called, I think he had things to say that he could not say face to face, but he wanted to say them, he also looked in my folder this morning where i keep my appointments and reports, the report from my surgeon was on top (not where i put it) so after he read that i am sure all his feeling s that he has been keeping in went wild, he did say to me on the phone mom you have had alot of things in your life they said you would not make it out of the hospital from the meningist but you did, but mom this is different, this is scarey, he said you have had a lot of things in your life and always turned out ok, he said so noone really takes it to serious when you are sick, then he said but i seen that paper, then he made me cry he said mom please make it through this time, he said i know how serious this is now, that really shocked me,

I am going to make it through this too, it is just going to be a bit more difficult, but i will do it, :)

Breathing test, friday July 17th 9:00 am

I went to have a ashma breathing test today, I was there for 2 hours long test, and very rough on the chest! the test totally wore me out for the rest of the day not to even speak of the pain i was in for the rest of the day, They came to the conclustion that my shortness of breath is not from my ashma as my lungs fill and empty as they are suppose to, only they do not asorb the O2 and my O2 levels are real low, like 84 the machine they put you on does many many test and at one point it kinda breaths for you, only my lungs could not handle the air it was trying to push in, compaired to the test i had 4 years ago this one has gotten alot worse, and after using the neb machine there it does not help, the one doing the test faxed it right to my lung but being friday i did not think i would hear anything from him today, the one doing the test did put on the test that further test are suggested, IE: MRI, catscan, scope into lungs, now that sounds like fun, that sounds like so much fun, that personally i could do without!!

ON a lighter note Jim and I are going to see my chicy next month :)
i would like to run away and hide while i am there and not come back LOL,

i would love to find a island that no other people are on for the rest of the summer and just stay there,, hmmmmmmmmmm there is only of them at the marsh at the end of the road i think LOL


I will be going to see the lung doctor i believe it is next week, and ultra sound and MRI on the mass in my boob wednesday or thursday of next week,