August 21, byopsi results

I got the results of my biopsy's yesterday friday the 21st,

I didn;t need to have them done as i already knew what the results were going to be,

in less then a year the cancer is back or never gone, not much of a surprise to me,

I have been telling the doctor for months now i am in pain again,

i knew it was there,

the only way to have a fighting chance with this thing is to have both breast removed,

or i know this night mare is just going to keep on going and going,

so i see the surgeon on wednesday, when she is by no doubt going to tell me she has to remove another PART of my breast, only this time she is going to get NO, she is going to remove it all and all of the other one as well or i will find someone who will!!!!

this coming monday i have another fun filled day going for me,

having another cat scan on my lungs to see if that has grown and if so how much,

all this excitement is almost more then i can handle,

I was told tonight to stop thinking about it, maybe i am numb or something but how do ya stop thinking about something that is all but taking over your life???

and how do you stop thinking about when these surgeries happen how am i going to pay my bills??

If anyone has answers to that please let me know cause i do not see how its going to happen,

and here i am looking at a new car, YEAH RIGHT i may as well forget about that cause its not happening, if i am not working would be a little impossible to pay a car payment or insurance payments let alone lights, heat, food, cable, any or that,

i guess this is one of those times when it seems no matter what corner i turn there is a brick wall there that i run right into, to high to climb over and to wide to get around,

lately i have been thinking about finding a support group just to have someone to talk to that truly understands, understands the feeling you have inside, understands the pain you are in EVERY day every minute of everyday, someone that understands the lack of energy you have,

cause noone truly understands that now,

I know i am facing surgery maybe more then one, no definitely more then one there will be 2 just for my breast,

then another possible one for my lungs,

i really see no light at the end of this tunnel at this time, and people just do not understand that,

sometimes i think it would just be easier if i ignored the whole bunch of crap,

the feeling like i am going to crack up is bad,

friggin doctor why didn't she just take them off in the first place like i told her to, a damn year ago!!

not thinking about it does not work for me, i have a constant reminder in the pain i am in all day every day, although i try to hide it, it is becoming more and more impossible to do!!

damn i wish dad or bonnie were here,

Round 2, wednesday 12, 2009 7:00 am

Spent the night in the hospital last night, didn't sleep much,

what they want me to do not sure i can do, but will give it a try!

yesterday afternoon I got the results of my MRI that i had done, cancer is back,

(or never gone) it has been 1 year since the last round of BS and here i am again, or should say still!!!

I will be having a mass this time probably a double, because i am not going for the third round,

At this point am pretty discouraged, as i knew that was going to be the results,

ever just had that gut feeling? mine is usually right,

i also have another gut feeling about the cat scan i am going to have on my lungs,

I am kinda feeling at this point not to good, my outlook is getting dimmer and dimmer,

I see NO light at the end of this tunnel,

today is one of those days when i say is it all worth it, will i win in the long run,

questions i often find myself thinking about lately,

i kinda keep most feelings in these days and feel them eating my insides,

It is getting harder and harder to think of any kind of a future because these days i am not sure what kind of a future is in store for me,

I am finding my self sitting here right now just wanting to leave walk away and enjoy some time while i can,

simple things in life now my eyes see, the colors outside, the trees the birds, sounds, rain drops falling on my face, the smell of the air, simple things in life that we all take for granted,

sounds of bird singing, the clouds in the sky, the sunshine in my eyes, all these things that most often taken for granted!

TOMORROW

In your darkest hour,

In your deepest despair

We do still care,

She will be there!!!

Through all your doubts and frustrations,

In your violence and your turbulence,

Through all your fear

and all your confusion,

In your anguish and your pain,

through your joy and sorrow

In the promise of brighter tomorrows

we will never let you down!

For you are always in our hearts!

______________________________________________________________

Hang in there girl, those brighter days WILL come, Just remember YOU control you,

or buy a cast iron fry pan LOL,

Struggle monday august 10th 2009, 3:27 pm

Today it is really hard to breath, I feel like i am trying to breath under water,

it is zapping all my energy, feeling real sleepy, just want to lay down,

but am going to keep moving,

the water here has been off all day so the town can hook up the new houses

it just came on a little while ago and even after running it for 10 minutes it is still black and muddy, mmmmmmmmmmm think i want a drink of that :)

really not much to write things have been kinda slow for once,

still have not got my MRI results, who says Doctors are allowed to go on vacation anyway lol,

tomorrow night back to the sleep clinic for another night of fun lol,

friday leaving to see my chicy that i miss so much, can't wait

Thursday August 6th, 10:38 am

I got it chicy :)

Have not wrote anything here for the last few days,

Yesterdays over night test, did not go so good, my o2 level drops way low while i am sleeping, in low 80's, had to have o2, which really does not surprise me since i have been so short of breath this week, real bad,

I just added a video to my site, i heard this song on the radio yesterday while i spent the day in concord, and balled my eyes out like a baby LOL so had to enter it to my blog, I guess the people that know me know i love angels anyway.

i need to get my collection out and put them up...

seeing my lung doctor sooner then i was suppose to

cat scan sooner also, because after he got all the blood results back and went over the cat scan i already had with the radiologist they did not like the results,

my blood does not mix right with my o2 or should of said that the other way around, had a cat scan already set up for sept 1st, but he wants it sooner,

so now i am having it on the 20th,

Still have not got my results of breast MRI i had on friday, my doctor has not got report yet as the radiologist is on vacation, so i went to hospital to pick it up they gave me the CD but said they can not give me the report until a doctor sits down and talks to me about it, Sigh, i hate hurry up and wait!!!

today i have a really strange peaceful feeling,

8days left before i see my chicy,

I know tears will fly that day LOL

damn where did all these years go? yesterday i was 20 not a care in the world,

today well ya know i am 28 :)and so many things going on in life,

Still wanting to dance, i find my self thinking about that all the time,

kinda want to be a little wild these days, before the time comes i can't. sad but true, no one in their 40's should be thinking those thought but when faced with so many things in the last year i guess i do not know where life will be heading in another year from now or even sadder to say what kind of shape i will be in, and well i will not finish the rest cause that would just make me and many other people upset, as i sit here with tears in my eyes LOL

I think today i will head for the park for a while have not been there for a while and really love to walk around there and think and just take in all the smells of the flowers, and all the colors,

then off to Jims i miss you babe, i love you HUG

Monday August 3, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

The last 2 days breathing has not been good, yesterday worse then today, plus anxiety attacks (where the heck did these come from anyway) have never had them in my life, they started in june and still getting them, i am told it is all the crap i am going through but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and these things are driving me nuts, i never really understood when someone would say they were having one until june when it happened to me for the first time, when it is a bad one it kinda could make someone think they were having a heart attack, i do not let them get that bad now as i have meds to calm me down if i feel it starting,

Appointments for this week,

tomorrow night send night in hospital, No biggy and kinda crazy have to have a sleep study, like i said before kinda crazy cause even if they tell me i have to have that machine to sleep knowing me i will not wear it cause it will drive me crazy, but who knows Jim says he knows guys he works with that have them and the guys say they feel sooooooooooo much better since they started using it,

i just do not think it is going to be to easy sleeping with something covering my face hmmmmmmmm,

that is the only appointment this week WOW how did i manage that one lol

Jim is in more and more pain by the day, arm is almost always numb now, it breaks my heart to see him hurting and in pain, i wish they would hurry the hell up, between the 2 of us we are keeping the doctors very busy, NOT GOOD,

:) counting the days until we go to VA, :)

for the first time in a very long time i have actually done something good for my self today, i bought a brand new car, :) well have not got it yet cause the dealership has to make sure the clunker money comes through before i pick it up,

i have said for a long time i would never buy another new car, but the used ones with over 100,000 miles on them are just as much as i am paying for the new one,

the insurance will be the killer,

anyway i still not allowing myself to get to excited until i actually have it here in my yard :)

one thing i will do when i get it is go see my brother cause he has a hard time driving down here cause his knee and ankle are in rough shape, when i go i will surprise him , ofcourse i could get that and the surprise be on me and he won't be home lol i have wanted to get in my car and drive and when i get the new one i will actually dare to lol,

Donna sent me another email tonight, not asking how i am, not even asking whats going on, nothing, like she could give a shit less, i was good though cause i wanted to send her a email and tell her just what i really think of her, and tell her to lose my email address, and to F off, she has proved to me through this last year, that she really could give a damn less if i am dead or alive, and i now feel the same about her, and i just want so much to tell her,

god forbid something happen to me, if it does i have told just about everyone she is not even to be allowed in there, not even for a second, i will tell Jim, jeremy and Jen already know, and i will also tell stan, as i have before, to me if she does not give a damn while i am here she need not even try to come there with her fake tears, they are not wanted or needed, (UNLESS) i can sit up and put my hands around her throat and choke her to death LOL

i am working on more poems so more coming soon,I am going to call and get the results of my MRI tomorrow cause i do not want to wait any longer,hmmmmm wonder if i can call and order them now and get them tomorrow, well lets just see :) there just called to pick those reports and mri's up tomorrow,

these days i like to see with my own 2 little eyeballs just what the test say,

I am still hoping and praying that they will not be as bad as my surgeon thinks they will be, we will see

wish i was with my sweetheart tonight, but i did see him this afternoon cause he went with me to get the car :)

THANK YOU BABE!

I still want to get the disability insurance on it just incase i am out of work then the insurance pays for it until i go back to work

i wasn't born yesterday LOL

cause the way i am going i could be out having more sergry and it would be nice if the car payment was being paid :)

i had that before when i had the first car i ever bought and WOW did that come in handy since i had many surgeries then, well worth the couple hundred ya have to pay for it :)

when i think about work coming up fast it kinda makes me sick, i was hoping after taking the summer totally off i would feel different about the place but seems i hate it more, really think i would be happier in a store, and after the startup meeting i maybe doing just that oh wait not until after the seafood fest lol

if i put the money i got for the seafood fest on my car a BIG chunk of it would be paid for :)

Just Because

I am known by many people,

But I have no friends.

I'll bring you pain and suffering

your happiness i'll end,

My cold embrace, my chilling breath

My silent deadly kiss.

I;ll pick you up, then throw you down,

I'm silent, I;m invisible

i'm a killer you can;t see,

i'll touch you when you least expect

and i'll never set you free,

I don't hate, i don;t discriminate,

I don;t choose who plays my game.

Fat or Black.Young or old

to me you are all the same

There is no reason for whati do

there is no reason why

I chose you just because....

I could!