Friday, September 4,2009

It's been a week and a day since my last surgry, In which i had 2 areas, the margens came back clear, so i guess that is a good thing, now fighting a infection and fluid building up, had under my arm drained today, now that was fun, NOT ! then was wrapped like a mommy in a ace bandage real tight it is suppose to keep the fluid out of there, but i was not able to keep it on it hurt to much, and another change of antibiotics now i am on 2, as for the boob well it is draining itself about everyother day YUCK!!

i will be going back on wednesday and i am sure from what she said today she will be draining more then, and another tight wrap to keep the fluid out,

I will try hard to leave that one in place for 3 days,

and also there may have to be IV antibiotics if this infection has not improved, time will tell,

Wednesday 26 2009, 9:30 pm surgry tomorrow

Went to see surgeon today @4 as i knew she was going to say i need surgery again, BIG SURPRISE, NOT!

only it is not the same this time, instead of

ductal carcinoma like last time this time it is

atypical intraductal hyperplasia

all these big words,

what does all this mean? well all leads to same thing

breast cancer, so tomorrow once again i am having surgery,

followed by MRI's every 3 months then every 6 months for 8 years,

am extra upset about this surgery tomorrow because it screwed up my plans

I had a interview tomorrow at the power plant that i now can not go to :( :( :(

August 21, byopsi results

I got the results of my biopsy's yesterday friday the 21st,

I didn;t need to have them done as i already knew what the results were going to be,

in less then a year the cancer is back or never gone, not much of a surprise to me,

I have been telling the doctor for months now i am in pain again,

i knew it was there,

the only way to have a fighting chance with this thing is to have both breast removed,

or i know this night mare is just going to keep on going and going,

so i see the surgeon on wednesday, when she is by no doubt going to tell me she has to remove another PART of my breast, only this time she is going to get NO, she is going to remove it all and all of the other one as well or i will find someone who will!!!!

this coming monday i have another fun filled day going for me,

having another cat scan on my lungs to see if that has grown and if so how much,

all this excitement is almost more then i can handle,

I was told tonight to stop thinking about it, maybe i am numb or something but how do ya stop thinking about something that is all but taking over your life???

and how do you stop thinking about when these surgeries happen how am i going to pay my bills??

If anyone has answers to that please let me know cause i do not see how its going to happen,

and here i am looking at a new car, YEAH RIGHT i may as well forget about that cause its not happening, if i am not working would be a little impossible to pay a car payment or insurance payments let alone lights, heat, food, cable, any or that,

i guess this is one of those times when it seems no matter what corner i turn there is a brick wall there that i run right into, to high to climb over and to wide to get around,

lately i have been thinking about finding a support group just to have someone to talk to that truly understands, understands the feeling you have inside, understands the pain you are in EVERY day every minute of everyday, someone that understands the lack of energy you have,

cause noone truly understands that now,

I know i am facing surgery maybe more then one, no definitely more then one there will be 2 just for my breast,

then another possible one for my lungs,

i really see no light at the end of this tunnel at this time, and people just do not understand that,

sometimes i think it would just be easier if i ignored the whole bunch of crap,

the feeling like i am going to crack up is bad,

friggin doctor why didn't she just take them off in the first place like i told her to, a damn year ago!!

not thinking about it does not work for me, i have a constant reminder in the pain i am in all day every day, although i try to hide it, it is becoming more and more impossible to do!!

damn i wish dad or bonnie were here,

Round 2, wednesday 12, 2009 7:00 am

Spent the night in the hospital last night, didn't sleep much,

what they want me to do not sure i can do, but will give it a try!

yesterday afternoon I got the results of my MRI that i had done, cancer is back,

(or never gone) it has been 1 year since the last round of BS and here i am again, or should say still!!!

I will be having a mass this time probably a double, because i am not going for the third round,

At this point am pretty discouraged, as i knew that was going to be the results,

ever just had that gut feeling? mine is usually right,

i also have another gut feeling about the cat scan i am going to have on my lungs,

I am kinda feeling at this point not to good, my outlook is getting dimmer and dimmer,

I see NO light at the end of this tunnel,

today is one of those days when i say is it all worth it, will i win in the long run,

questions i often find myself thinking about lately,

i kinda keep most feelings in these days and feel them eating my insides,

It is getting harder and harder to think of any kind of a future because these days i am not sure what kind of a future is in store for me,

I am finding my self sitting here right now just wanting to leave walk away and enjoy some time while i can,

simple things in life now my eyes see, the colors outside, the trees the birds, sounds, rain drops falling on my face, the smell of the air, simple things in life that we all take for granted,

sounds of bird singing, the clouds in the sky, the sunshine in my eyes, all these things that most often taken for granted!

TOMORROW

In your darkest hour,

In your deepest despair

We do still care,

She will be there!!!

Through all your doubts and frustrations,

In your violence and your turbulence,

Through all your fear

and all your confusion,

In your anguish and your pain,

through your joy and sorrow

In the promise of brighter tomorrows

we will never let you down!

For you are always in our hearts!

______________________________________________________________

Hang in there girl, those brighter days WILL come, Just remember YOU control you,

or buy a cast iron fry pan LOL,

Struggle monday august 10th 2009, 3:27 pm

Today it is really hard to breath, I feel like i am trying to breath under water,

it is zapping all my energy, feeling real sleepy, just want to lay down,

but am going to keep moving,

the water here has been off all day so the town can hook up the new houses

it just came on a little while ago and even after running it for 10 minutes it is still black and muddy, mmmmmmmmmmm think i want a drink of that :)

really not much to write things have been kinda slow for once,

still have not got my MRI results, who says Doctors are allowed to go on vacation anyway lol,

tomorrow night back to the sleep clinic for another night of fun lol,

friday leaving to see my chicy that i miss so much, can't wait

Thursday August 6th, 10:38 am

I got it chicy :)

Have not wrote anything here for the last few days,

Yesterdays over night test, did not go so good, my o2 level drops way low while i am sleeping, in low 80's, had to have o2, which really does not surprise me since i have been so short of breath this week, real bad,

I just added a video to my site, i heard this song on the radio yesterday while i spent the day in concord, and balled my eyes out like a baby LOL so had to enter it to my blog, I guess the people that know me know i love angels anyway.

i need to get my collection out and put them up...

seeing my lung doctor sooner then i was suppose to

cat scan sooner also, because after he got all the blood results back and went over the cat scan i already had with the radiologist they did not like the results,

my blood does not mix right with my o2 or should of said that the other way around, had a cat scan already set up for sept 1st, but he wants it sooner,

so now i am having it on the 20th,

Still have not got my results of breast MRI i had on friday, my doctor has not got report yet as the radiologist is on vacation, so i went to hospital to pick it up they gave me the CD but said they can not give me the report until a doctor sits down and talks to me about it, Sigh, i hate hurry up and wait!!!

today i have a really strange peaceful feeling,

8days left before i see my chicy,

I know tears will fly that day LOL

damn where did all these years go? yesterday i was 20 not a care in the world,

today well ya know i am 28 :)and so many things going on in life,

Still wanting to dance, i find my self thinking about that all the time,

kinda want to be a little wild these days, before the time comes i can't. sad but true, no one in their 40's should be thinking those thought but when faced with so many things in the last year i guess i do not know where life will be heading in another year from now or even sadder to say what kind of shape i will be in, and well i will not finish the rest cause that would just make me and many other people upset, as i sit here with tears in my eyes LOL

I think today i will head for the park for a while have not been there for a while and really love to walk around there and think and just take in all the smells of the flowers, and all the colors,

then off to Jims i miss you babe, i love you HUG