YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

This lie became a part of me,

for months i've played along

acting like it doesn't hurt!

each time it just get worse,

Ignoring the hurt i have inside,

Thinking i'll just go on,

but last night

for the first time

it got right to my heart!

when suddenly it hit me,

as the tears began to flow

that even after all this time

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

OCT 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Is this going to be the 3rd time for me?? I can't believe after all this time i am going to be facing my third time with all this BS, It is getting really hard to just grin and bare it any more, I have to wonder more and more, (WHAT THE HELL) what did i ever do to get all this BS dumped on me, why is all this happening again and again, one thing right after another, maybe it is just the way life is suppose to be, maybe i did something in a different time and place that deserves all this BS, well like the video said i guess i can try to find the good things about all this and maybe it is suppose to be, i just can't help wondering what all this is suppose to be telling me, maybe it is like the video said maybe this is the way i am suppose to get a new shape and i new body????

I feel like things in my life are getting further and further away, out of reach,
this person i see looking back at me is not really me, I feel like the real me is tucked away in like a egg shell and the real me just can not crack through that shell and get out, head aches more and more and getting worse and worse, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY!! also hazzy cloudy zig zag dark lines that cloud my eyes more and more, confustion, daised feeling, and forgetfulness, "CRS"
worse then i have ever had it, all this getting so bad i do not even remember how to do what use to be real simple for me, fixing computers for instance,
all this is driving me a bit coo coo, i know i know some of you would say i have always been coo coo, all i have to say about that is BITE ME! :)
i feel alot like i am going deeper and deeper into my own little world, or maybe i should say a scarey place in a unknown world,

Sunday OCT 25,2009 11:16 am

Yesterday was such a good day, in the was of up lifting, my sweetheart took me to see my brother (in which i miss so very much) i knew i missed him but had no idea how much until seeing him, and he was so happy to see us too,

This family that use to be so big and so close is now so little, and everyone being so far apart is really not that close anymore either, that makes me so sad, words can not even tell you how sad and empty it makes me feel, I am not the only one that feels this way as Jeremy also is saying that alot, this time of the year with the holidays use to be a happy time, now i hate to see them coming,

and jeremy does also, he has said so many times in the last couple weeks that we should just skip all the holidays this year and for now on, cause like me he misses the people, i told him last night that Stan is coming for thanksgiving and he got so excited i seen that happy light in his eyes, and it just started the tears rolling down my face, Stan getting up there in age is starting to show it,

he is talking about retiring, and i am going to do everything i can to get him to come back here when he retires, he too is missing the family as he says so all the time, besides telling me how lonely he is, he has been my life saver for close to 2 years now, Stan and i have always been close even when i was a kid, I need him in my life and not so far away, he calls me every day and we talk and sometimes before we know it 2 or 3 hours have gone by and we are still talking,

ya never know how much you miss and need your family until they are gone,

wednesday oct, 14, 921 pm

feeling kinda yucky today, think my pain has pain, NOT FUN!!

trying new pain meds, Doc want hoping they would work without making me sick, well my did a job on my tummy, but i may as well of drank a glass of water cause it would of helped the pain as much as they did,

all they managed to do is upset my tummy, and this is gross but i am burping uncontrolable, and OMG it is like farting out of ya mouth, YUCK!!!

doctor called me this afternoon, he says he has a bunch of test he wants to do,

he also talked to my lung doctor and the lung Dr has a bunch of test he wants him to do sooooooooo guess i am back to test land, i have to see him tomorrow,

i wish walmart sold new bodies, i would for sure be getting one,

I told my boss yesterday i wish they could put people to sleep like they do animals, i would be saying hit me, now that is sad, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and in pain, and now being out of work for a month now and still out until further notice says doctor, what kind of life is this? i will tell ya

A SUCKY ONE!!

to see my son always so upset and the first thing he does in the morning when he gets up is check on me, and the first thing he does when he gets home from work or if he should go out the first thing he does is come check on me and calls me a bunch of times aday to make sure i am ok, it is ripping my heart out,

he stands in my door way or sits on the bottom of my bed and stairs at me all the time, i think he has hugged me more then he ever has in his whole life and if you know jeremy you know he does not do that.... I even find Jim staring at me, i do not know why he puts up with all this crap i am going through and have asked him many times... i am hoping for answers tomorrow and to get what ever this is fixed, all of it everything , i just do not know how much more i can handle of this, and told my doctor he better get a rubber room ready cause this is going to drive me crazy,... this doctor is awesome, and he is trying so hard to get to the bottom of all this, how oftened does a doctor, and i mean (the doctor) not his office staff actually call anyone their self any more, well this doctor does and he not only calls to give me results he calls to see how i am doing and how i am feeling, i got so upset in his office on tuesday and he was great, i told him people are going to think i am nuts, he said NO your totally no nuts, and he said he can tell when someone is seeking drugs or making things up and he can tell when something is real worng and he said he knows there is something really wrong, he said he is actually worried because of all the things that are pointing to not so good things,,, including my BP going totally crazy, one minute it is really high then a minute later it is low then it goes right back up real high, and my pulse is running between 90 and 130, he says that alone tells him that something is totally wrong, he said it is just finding it that is the hard part,

anyway hopefully tomorrow there will be some answers,

HELL NO I WON'T GO!! monday oct 12,2009, 3:00pm

The doctor called and i told him that i still feel like crap, and about all the sweating and out of breath and pain, he wanted me to head to the ER, I told him NO i am done with that and all set there, not going back there, it does no good, he said he is worried and does not like what i am telling him, hmmmmmmm (he doesn't like it)? in all fairness this doctor is awesome and i am new to him, because the other doctor i had (in the same office) SUCKED did not listen to a thing, but anyway he thinks he doesn't like it?? if he does not like to hear it how does he or anyone else think i feel,

i am really thinking about going to boston and see what they have to say,

Sunday Oct 11, 2009 10 pm

Been a while since i have put anything in here,

been a longggg month, and still feeling like shit,

so many thing the doctors find not even sure what to blame all this on anymore,

just know i feel worse then i have in a very long time,

I am hoping for some answers on thursday or before,

my doctor does not want me to return to work, and i really do not feel like it but think i am going to try my old ways for a while and ignore the hurting things and all that is making me feel so damn shitty and push through it like i use to,

it can only do 1 of 2 things, either i will get through it or it will put me flat on my butt again, not that i am really been off my back for a while now,

try to do anything and have to lay down or a while, NOT THE LIFE I WANT,

as matter of fact hate it, see what my doctor says about the results of talking to my lung doctor,

I have NEVER been a person to lay down during the day time not even as a kid,

now i can not seem to stay up, i really hate it, and really hate feeling this way something has to give,

Wednesday 23, 2009, 109 pm

Longing for the day when i actually feel human again, went to doctor yesterday cause was in so much pain, she took 100 cc's of fluid from my breast, but somehow she knew that was not causing all the pain i am in, she listened to my lungs and she said she can not hear any breath sounds in my right lung, so she sent me to the hospital for xrays, sure enough the pain i am in was not only from my breat, i have pnuemonia, and she said its not good, so i have to go back friday to see her again and have to go monday too, and seeing my lung doctor tomorrow, tomorrow morning WTF i have had enough already..... went to boston with Jim to make sure he actaully went and make sure nothing has changed or got worse, good news there
his PSA was good he has to go back in 6 months :) mean while i am in so much pain i REALLY can't stand it, I have to have another xray in a week cause they are not sure that the pnuemonia is going to clear because of the mass in my lung, i have actaully forgot what it feels like to feel good, i am out of work now until further notice, i just wish i could breath and wish this pain would go away, am wondering if the killer machine did this (killer machine= cpap)
I am really tired and really sick of playinng this game, it does not seem like there is a end to it,
Jim said i look bad, and stacy said as long as she has known me she has never seem me look so bad, it is hard to tell anyone how i actually feel, Jim wanted to talk me to the hospital today instead of going his self but no i want to know he is ok, atleast for now, and now i know he is now i can take care of me, or atleast try to :( i feel so bad right now i would give anything just for this pain to stop!!!