I Can't Get That Day Out Of My Head....

I was suppose to be a good day, got up real early that day to go with jeremy to pick up Micky. We were only there for about an hour, Seeing all of those pups was so exciting, making me think about giz, ( love you giz) always will,

Caming home in the car Jeremy so happy and the pup and him fitting together so good, He could not wait to get home to show his gramp his new dog,

got home and we walked to the house, walked through the door, looking around, Jen walking out of the living room all teary eyed, Donna yelling from the bathroom, "Diane come here" looking into the kitchen, thinking where is dad, yelling were is my dad, Jen Hugging me, me pulling away, yelling where is my dad, my mom standing in the kitchen, saying he is gone, saying no he's not, Donna coming out of the bathroom and grabbing me, pushing her away, running to my dads room, seeing him laying in bed, going over sitting next to him and laying on his chest, telling him no dad no i am not ready for this i need you, please wake up dad, looking at him could hardly see through the tear, (much like right now) but could see the purple on his ears cheeks neck, wanting so badly to wake up from that dream, laying on my dad for a long time crying and talking to him, then the police walked in and they pried me away from him, standing in the kitchen in come the ambulance people, remember trying to get back in there and could not get past the door, remember being so mad when they put their hands on him, then when they started CPR, screaming leave him alone, leave him alone, cop taking me away from the door, walking over and pounding the kitchen counter, breaking my hand, the cop telling the ambulance people to leave him alone, and stop CPR,

to this day still remembering in detail that day that was suppose to be a happy day, Jeremy going to the trailer and totally removing a wall by punching it, and kicking it, I was mad but understood cause i wanted to do the same thing, so i could not be mad at jeremy for doing it, Mic was so scared in a corner shaking, the poor pup had no idea this happy day was not like it was suppose to be, the days to come were just a blur to me, just knew i wanted my dad back, or wanted to be with him,

at that point sitting there remembering the day he want to the doctors, and got that friggin C word pinned to him, bowel he said, him telling me he has not told mom, i told him he had to, but him saying no he did not want anyone else to know, remembering saying to him why are you telling me,

remember telling him dad don't you dare die on me i am not ready for that, not now, him telling me i was one of the strongest people he knows, and him telling me everyone has to go sometime, we spent the afternoon together that day just driving and talking and everytime i tear would show he would tell me there will be none of that,

Dad was my best friend, we use to talk about everything, I MISS HAVING THAT, these days i just keep everything insdie again like i use to when i was a kid, the hurting things and sad things, I guess that is why everyone always said i was the rock of the family, cause i never let things out i just barried them deep inside, there was only 2 people in the world that knew what was inside of me really, Bonnie and my dad, or sure i talk but these days NOONE knows what is deep inside me again, why talk about it, it don't matter. my dad is where i got the saying that this earth is hell and where you are going will be a better place, he also believed that this earth was hell,

I sure could use one of those talks we use to have right now dad, cause these days are not being easy,

Miss you and Love you Dad!

Sunday November 22 2009

It sunday, that means work tomorrow ewwwwww, but the good thing is it is going to be a short week, :) monday and tuesday only :) :) wednesday i will be doing a lot of my cooking, there will be 11 here for thanksgiving, Stan is coming i am excited about that :) he still remains calling me daily, and on weekends he calls me 3 to 4 times a day, yesterday he called 6 times, and this morning he started calling at 6 am hmmmmmmmmmm,

I still remain having problems with the pellet stove, Stan was lucky he fixed his and has not had anymore issues, but if he had not been home when it started acting up the house would had burnt down he said, he said he was scared, hmmmm,

Friday i have to go start round 3 of all the Bs with my boob, the doctor found 2 lumps this time, I knew about 1 of them,the one on the bottom next to were i had my first surgery, the other one is on the only part that has not been sliced or dised yet, it is alot more painful this time, strange but i am hoping that is a good thing, maybe it is just cyst, one can hope, if not it is going to be removed totally this time if i have to go to the butcher shop and find me a butcher :)
It is strange but i am very relaxed, calm mellow about all this now, strange what ya can actually make peice with,
well guess it is bed for me :)

Tuesday Nov 10 2009 9:53 pm

WOW i feel like shit!!! but atleast now i know some of why i hurt so bad,

SWINE FLU!!

went to the doctors this afternoon, since i am hurting aching so bad in some pretty strange places, even my finger nails hurt, well i went to the doctors today, they put me on tamiflu and andamox tr - k clv, they are worried about the not having a spleen, and having ashma, and my resent health, since this is a bactaral infection, fell on my butt today got so dizzy, my balance has not been right for a while,

chic i am not trying to be a hero believe me, i wish i could take the meds,

but i puk enough without them. I LOVE YOU, hope things are getting straightened out now,

off to bed for me

Saturday Nov.7th 8:56 pm

It has been a long week, and unfortunantly i do not see things getting any easier for a while!

the light at the end of the tunnel that i thought i could see a little bit, is back to the dream

at the end of the tunnel, Is there really a such thing as that light? and just what is the tunnel? I have to wonder!

alone in this battle i guess is the way i need to be,

they say what does not kill us makes us stronger, but to be honest i can't even say it is making me stronger, atleast not in the way i need to be stronger, actually it seems i get weaker instead of stronger, this last week the pain has been kinda unbarible but somehow i keep on pushing through, refusing to take the meds cause i not only get sick from them but also want them to work when i need them worse, i got oncology in a few days see what happens there,

donkeys have been kicking me in the chest a last few days it feels kinda strange, can also feel it in my pulse and kinda takes my breath away for a second,

can't get comfortable the pain in my back and spine is going to drive me coo,

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

This lie became a part of me,

for months i've played along

acting like it doesn't hurt!

each time it just get worse,

Ignoring the hurt i have inside,

Thinking i'll just go on,

but last night

for the first time

it got right to my heart!

when suddenly it hit me,

as the tears began to flow

that even after all this time

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

OCT 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Is this going to be the 3rd time for me?? I can't believe after all this time i am going to be facing my third time with all this BS, It is getting really hard to just grin and bare it any more, I have to wonder more and more, (WHAT THE HELL) what did i ever do to get all this BS dumped on me, why is all this happening again and again, one thing right after another, maybe it is just the way life is suppose to be, maybe i did something in a different time and place that deserves all this BS, well like the video said i guess i can try to find the good things about all this and maybe it is suppose to be, i just can't help wondering what all this is suppose to be telling me, maybe it is like the video said maybe this is the way i am suppose to get a new shape and i new body????

I feel like things in my life are getting further and further away, out of reach,
this person i see looking back at me is not really me, I feel like the real me is tucked away in like a egg shell and the real me just can not crack through that shell and get out, head aches more and more and getting worse and worse, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY!! also hazzy cloudy zig zag dark lines that cloud my eyes more and more, confustion, daised feeling, and forgetfulness, "CRS"
worse then i have ever had it, all this getting so bad i do not even remember how to do what use to be real simple for me, fixing computers for instance,
all this is driving me a bit coo coo, i know i know some of you would say i have always been coo coo, all i have to say about that is BITE ME! :)
i feel alot like i am going deeper and deeper into my own little world, or maybe i should say a scarey place in a unknown world,

Sunday OCT 25,2009 11:16 am

Yesterday was such a good day, in the was of up lifting, my sweetheart took me to see my brother (in which i miss so very much) i knew i missed him but had no idea how much until seeing him, and he was so happy to see us too,

This family that use to be so big and so close is now so little, and everyone being so far apart is really not that close anymore either, that makes me so sad, words can not even tell you how sad and empty it makes me feel, I am not the only one that feels this way as Jeremy also is saying that alot, this time of the year with the holidays use to be a happy time, now i hate to see them coming,

and jeremy does also, he has said so many times in the last couple weeks that we should just skip all the holidays this year and for now on, cause like me he misses the people, i told him last night that Stan is coming for thanksgiving and he got so excited i seen that happy light in his eyes, and it just started the tears rolling down my face, Stan getting up there in age is starting to show it,

he is talking about retiring, and i am going to do everything i can to get him to come back here when he retires, he too is missing the family as he says so all the time, besides telling me how lonely he is, he has been my life saver for close to 2 years now, Stan and i have always been close even when i was a kid, I need him in my life and not so far away, he calls me every day and we talk and sometimes before we know it 2 or 3 hours have gone by and we are still talking,

ya never know how much you miss and need your family until they are gone,