Sunday November 22 2009

It sunday, that means work tomorrow ewwwwww, but the good thing is it is going to be a short week, :) monday and tuesday only :) :) wednesday i will be doing a lot of my cooking, there will be 11 here for thanksgiving, Stan is coming i am excited about that :) he still remains calling me daily, and on weekends he calls me 3 to 4 times a day, yesterday he called 6 times, and this morning he started calling at 6 am hmmmmmmmmmm,

I still remain having problems with the pellet stove, Stan was lucky he fixed his and has not had anymore issues, but if he had not been home when it started acting up the house would had burnt down he said, he said he was scared, hmmmm,

Friday i have to go start round 3 of all the Bs with my boob, the doctor found 2 lumps this time, I knew about 1 of them,the one on the bottom next to were i had my first surgery, the other one is on the only part that has not been sliced or dised yet, it is alot more painful this time, strange but i am hoping that is a good thing, maybe it is just cyst, one can hope, if not it is going to be removed totally this time if i have to go to the butcher shop and find me a butcher :)
It is strange but i am very relaxed, calm mellow about all this now, strange what ya can actually make peice with,
well guess it is bed for me :)

Tuesday Nov 10 2009 9:53 pm

WOW i feel like shit!!! but atleast now i know some of why i hurt so bad,

SWINE FLU!!

went to the doctors this afternoon, since i am hurting aching so bad in some pretty strange places, even my finger nails hurt, well i went to the doctors today, they put me on tamiflu and andamox tr - k clv, they are worried about the not having a spleen, and having ashma, and my resent health, since this is a bactaral infection, fell on my butt today got so dizzy, my balance has not been right for a while,

chic i am not trying to be a hero believe me, i wish i could take the meds,

but i puk enough without them. I LOVE YOU, hope things are getting straightened out now,

off to bed for me

Saturday Nov.7th 8:56 pm

It has been a long week, and unfortunantly i do not see things getting any easier for a while!

the light at the end of the tunnel that i thought i could see a little bit, is back to the dream

at the end of the tunnel, Is there really a such thing as that light? and just what is the tunnel? I have to wonder!

alone in this battle i guess is the way i need to be,

they say what does not kill us makes us stronger, but to be honest i can't even say it is making me stronger, atleast not in the way i need to be stronger, actually it seems i get weaker instead of stronger, this last week the pain has been kinda unbarible but somehow i keep on pushing through, refusing to take the meds cause i not only get sick from them but also want them to work when i need them worse, i got oncology in a few days see what happens there,

donkeys have been kicking me in the chest a last few days it feels kinda strange, can also feel it in my pulse and kinda takes my breath away for a second,

can't get comfortable the pain in my back and spine is going to drive me coo,

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

This lie became a part of me,

for months i've played along

acting like it doesn't hurt!

each time it just get worse,

Ignoring the hurt i have inside,

Thinking i'll just go on,

but last night

for the first time

it got right to my heart!

when suddenly it hit me,

as the tears began to flow

that even after all this time

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

OCT 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Is this going to be the 3rd time for me?? I can't believe after all this time i am going to be facing my third time with all this BS, It is getting really hard to just grin and bare it any more, I have to wonder more and more, (WHAT THE HELL) what did i ever do to get all this BS dumped on me, why is all this happening again and again, one thing right after another, maybe it is just the way life is suppose to be, maybe i did something in a different time and place that deserves all this BS, well like the video said i guess i can try to find the good things about all this and maybe it is suppose to be, i just can't help wondering what all this is suppose to be telling me, maybe it is like the video said maybe this is the way i am suppose to get a new shape and i new body????

I feel like things in my life are getting further and further away, out of reach,
this person i see looking back at me is not really me, I feel like the real me is tucked away in like a egg shell and the real me just can not crack through that shell and get out, head aches more and more and getting worse and worse, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY!! also hazzy cloudy zig zag dark lines that cloud my eyes more and more, confustion, daised feeling, and forgetfulness, "CRS"
worse then i have ever had it, all this getting so bad i do not even remember how to do what use to be real simple for me, fixing computers for instance,
all this is driving me a bit coo coo, i know i know some of you would say i have always been coo coo, all i have to say about that is BITE ME! :)
i feel alot like i am going deeper and deeper into my own little world, or maybe i should say a scarey place in a unknown world,

Sunday OCT 25,2009 11:16 am

Yesterday was such a good day, in the was of up lifting, my sweetheart took me to see my brother (in which i miss so very much) i knew i missed him but had no idea how much until seeing him, and he was so happy to see us too,

This family that use to be so big and so close is now so little, and everyone being so far apart is really not that close anymore either, that makes me so sad, words can not even tell you how sad and empty it makes me feel, I am not the only one that feels this way as Jeremy also is saying that alot, this time of the year with the holidays use to be a happy time, now i hate to see them coming,

and jeremy does also, he has said so many times in the last couple weeks that we should just skip all the holidays this year and for now on, cause like me he misses the people, i told him last night that Stan is coming for thanksgiving and he got so excited i seen that happy light in his eyes, and it just started the tears rolling down my face, Stan getting up there in age is starting to show it,

he is talking about retiring, and i am going to do everything i can to get him to come back here when he retires, he too is missing the family as he says so all the time, besides telling me how lonely he is, he has been my life saver for close to 2 years now, Stan and i have always been close even when i was a kid, I need him in my life and not so far away, he calls me every day and we talk and sometimes before we know it 2 or 3 hours have gone by and we are still talking,

ya never know how much you miss and need your family until they are gone,

wednesday oct, 14, 921 pm

feeling kinda yucky today, think my pain has pain, NOT FUN!!

trying new pain meds, Doc want hoping they would work without making me sick, well my did a job on my tummy, but i may as well of drank a glass of water cause it would of helped the pain as much as they did,

all they managed to do is upset my tummy, and this is gross but i am burping uncontrolable, and OMG it is like farting out of ya mouth, YUCK!!!

doctor called me this afternoon, he says he has a bunch of test he wants to do,

he also talked to my lung doctor and the lung Dr has a bunch of test he wants him to do sooooooooo guess i am back to test land, i have to see him tomorrow,

i wish walmart sold new bodies, i would for sure be getting one,

I told my boss yesterday i wish they could put people to sleep like they do animals, i would be saying hit me, now that is sad, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and in pain, and now being out of work for a month now and still out until further notice says doctor, what kind of life is this? i will tell ya

A SUCKY ONE!!

to see my son always so upset and the first thing he does in the morning when he gets up is check on me, and the first thing he does when he gets home from work or if he should go out the first thing he does is come check on me and calls me a bunch of times aday to make sure i am ok, it is ripping my heart out,

he stands in my door way or sits on the bottom of my bed and stairs at me all the time, i think he has hugged me more then he ever has in his whole life and if you know jeremy you know he does not do that.... I even find Jim staring at me, i do not know why he puts up with all this crap i am going through and have asked him many times... i am hoping for answers tomorrow and to get what ever this is fixed, all of it everything , i just do not know how much more i can handle of this, and told my doctor he better get a rubber room ready cause this is going to drive me crazy,... this doctor is awesome, and he is trying so hard to get to the bottom of all this, how oftened does a doctor, and i mean (the doctor) not his office staff actually call anyone their self any more, well this doctor does and he not only calls to give me results he calls to see how i am doing and how i am feeling, i got so upset in his office on tuesday and he was great, i told him people are going to think i am nuts, he said NO your totally no nuts, and he said he can tell when someone is seeking drugs or making things up and he can tell when something is real worng and he said he knows there is something really wrong, he said he is actually worried because of all the things that are pointing to not so good things,,, including my BP going totally crazy, one minute it is really high then a minute later it is low then it goes right back up real high, and my pulse is running between 90 and 130, he says that alone tells him that something is totally wrong, he said it is just finding it that is the hard part,

anyway hopefully tomorrow there will be some answers,