YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

This lie became a part of me,

for months i've played along

acting like it doesn't hurt!

each time it just get worse,

Ignoring the hurt i have inside,

Thinking i'll just go on,

but last night

for the first time

it got right to my heart!

when suddenly it hit me,

as the tears began to flow

that even after all this time

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

OCT 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Is this going to be the 3rd time for me?? I can't believe after all this time i am going to be facing my third time with all this BS, It is getting really hard to just grin and bare it any more, I have to wonder more and more, (WHAT THE HELL) what did i ever do to get all this BS dumped on me, why is all this happening again and again, one thing right after another, maybe it is just the way life is suppose to be, maybe i did something in a different time and place that deserves all this BS, well like the video said i guess i can try to find the good things about all this and maybe it is suppose to be, i just can't help wondering what all this is suppose to be telling me, maybe it is like the video said maybe this is the way i am suppose to get a new shape and i new body????

I feel like things in my life are getting further and further away, out of reach,
this person i see looking back at me is not really me, I feel like the real me is tucked away in like a egg shell and the real me just can not crack through that shell and get out, head aches more and more and getting worse and worse, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY!! also hazzy cloudy zig zag dark lines that cloud my eyes more and more, confustion, daised feeling, and forgetfulness, "CRS"
worse then i have ever had it, all this getting so bad i do not even remember how to do what use to be real simple for me, fixing computers for instance,
all this is driving me a bit coo coo, i know i know some of you would say i have always been coo coo, all i have to say about that is BITE ME! :)
i feel alot like i am going deeper and deeper into my own little world, or maybe i should say a scarey place in a unknown world,

Sunday OCT 25,2009 11:16 am

Yesterday was such a good day, in the was of up lifting, my sweetheart took me to see my brother (in which i miss so very much) i knew i missed him but had no idea how much until seeing him, and he was so happy to see us too,

This family that use to be so big and so close is now so little, and everyone being so far apart is really not that close anymore either, that makes me so sad, words can not even tell you how sad and empty it makes me feel, I am not the only one that feels this way as Jeremy also is saying that alot, this time of the year with the holidays use to be a happy time, now i hate to see them coming,

and jeremy does also, he has said so many times in the last couple weeks that we should just skip all the holidays this year and for now on, cause like me he misses the people, i told him last night that Stan is coming for thanksgiving and he got so excited i seen that happy light in his eyes, and it just started the tears rolling down my face, Stan getting up there in age is starting to show it,

he is talking about retiring, and i am going to do everything i can to get him to come back here when he retires, he too is missing the family as he says so all the time, besides telling me how lonely he is, he has been my life saver for close to 2 years now, Stan and i have always been close even when i was a kid, I need him in my life and not so far away, he calls me every day and we talk and sometimes before we know it 2 or 3 hours have gone by and we are still talking,

ya never know how much you miss and need your family until they are gone,