Waves of emotion

Went to the heart doctor today, he said he wants to put the heart on the back burner as it is the least of my worries at this point, he said my valves need to be changed but right now with everything else that is going on it is better to leave it be, i will go back in 6 months.

I am feeling like i need to get the hell outta here right now at this moment,

life kinda sucks,

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so many,

i can't get the music loud enough to hear it through all the thoughts in my head,

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING!!!!

I wish all these thoughts i have in my head would get lost,

hell why can't i forget them like i forget everything else,

like i forget where my doctors offices are, hmmmmm yeah had to go to 3 different places before i found my heart doctor today, even though i was just there 2 weeks ago and many other times,

finally i found it in the 3rd building i went to, lol,

all fooling aside i think they need to check my head and see where my marble have gone,

I LOST MY JAR TOO :)

the feelings i have in my head and all the things going around in my head really are driving me crazy!

i have this dream all the time lately that i just get in my car and leave and go where noone knows me, and stay there, if only i could leave this body behide :)

does not sound half bad does it?? lol

there has to be more to life then this, this hurry up and wait shit drives me nuts,

i wish for once someone would just do it, get it done with, and what ever happens, happens,

i really feel as though i am going to crack up maybe i already am,

sometimes i just do not want to be here anymore, to many things going wrong in this body wish i could trade it in for a new one, lol

what the hell are all these feelings i am having why are they here i do not understand, hell i do not understand anything anymore,

and am really sick of trying to understand, at times .wow got to get off here and out of this house before i continue to freak out as i am right now, i am going for a ride,

Wednesday 22

Ultra sound at 10 tomorrow,

thank god it is a ultra sound and not a boob masher cause there is no way in hell i can do that ,

my boob is killing me and swallen

ok enough of my bitchin lol

Appointments this week,

Wednesday Blood test

Thursday Ultra sound on my boob, not looking forward to it, more biopsy's,

hard to believe i was in this same seat 1 year ago, thinking about how i felt then, still feel as though this is all a dream, and i will wake up soon,

Friday heart doctor yippy just one more thing on my plate!

Monday, Lung doctor, don't want to think about it

Tuesday, surgeon to discuss what needs to be done,

Wednesday, Oncologist, blood test and more blood test

Thursday MRI

Friday medicare renewal,

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!

I MISS MY TUB,

To my children, (Althought you are grown)

I remember years ago,

You were so small then,

Sometimes I can't help but wish,

That you were both small again!

I've cried when you've faced heartache,

and saw, that as you grew

nothing broke your spirit,

instead it strenghtened you,

I'm filled with mixed emotions

as I hold back all the tears,

and with so much pride remember,

back so many years.

When I first held you in my arms,

if only i had known,

the years would feel like moments,

until you both had grown,

you are not a child anymore

although in my eyes

I guess you'll always be

that baby who changed my life

and means the world to me!!

I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

Mom and Dad

You were there for my first breath,

And I was there for your last,

The time we got to share together,

went by to quick..... to fast!

for life or someone took you away,

with that hateful, horrible disease,

We were not even given time, to sneeze,

You were gone, and I was left

To struggle through this life,

The pain struck more when I looked into mom's eyes,

as she dreaded to continue without you,

Continue she did, for a while

how proud I was of she,

Times were tough, as she missed you dearly,

but she was always as strong as could be.

Then came along in not much time,,

more horrible and sad news,

Mom was sick, the same as you,

The heart had got her too,

How could this be? Its hardly a year,

Since I lost you, my dad,

I hate this world for what it is doing!

Why does our family have to be that someone??

I stayed with mom for a while,

Eventually it made her quite sick,

Then it was time to say goodbye to mom too,

I wish it was a dream, and i could wake up,

but this nightmare is horribly true,

and so I continue, each day different from the next,

The pain still so real and true,

still trying to accept, and understand,

why did this happen to you?

I now sit, and try to picture you two,

and hope that you are both together,

and this world we live in is not the end!!

Until its time for us to meet again,

Please be there watching over me,

Help me to continue through this life

and give me direction I can see,

Mom and Dad you are my world,

you are both as precious as a pearl,

everyday I love you with all my heart,

Signed....... your little girl....