Pain

Pain has become a friend of mine,

for it visits all the time,

By my side it does stay

Though I wish it would go away,

It does not know its welcomes gone

that i never liked it all along,

would someone tell it,

it needs to go?

yes pain stays with me everyday

while i let it guide the day

leading deeper into hell

for i am weakened by its spell

it clings to me with all its might

holding on forever tight

it is no longer welcome here

it needs to leave with its friend fear!

i think its time for it to go

would someone please let it know?

Jens Site

Loving You

I'm thinking about you,

a little more each day

holding on a little tighter

to all the words you say

Every day I miss you

more then the day before

Our time together i love

and i want even more,

I used to dream of you,

As i laid in bed each night

now you are my dreams

even through the daylight!

I felt a flutter in my heart

whenever i saw you online

Today my heart is glowing

filled with a brilliant shine

I was shy to tell you everything

inwhich i was feeling in my heart,

Now i feel so free to share

with nothing i want to hide,

I thought you were special

from the moment we met

and each day a little further

into my heart you would get

I could always feel a bond

everytime out hearts shared

when our souls bond also

i realize how much i cared,

I find my heart needing yours

cherishing all that you do

now, i'm not scared to admit

i have fallen in love with you!!!

Hurry up and wait part 2 7/1/09

So many test, it all takes so long then it is again hurry up and wait,

do they not understand i do not want to wait any more,?

does anyone hear me,

i guess all ya can do is wait,

take each day as it comes,

and push through as much as you can,

i would love to be my old self once again

what happened to that person?

it is like someone switched my strong body to this weak

broken down wreck of a so called body while i slept,

what a dirty trick :)

Fight Ahead

I sit with my doctor in fear of what he'll say,

I do not know what to expect today,

The fear grew so strong i just wanted to run,

I can't face the thought of telling anyone,

The feeling of emptiness and loneliness fluttered my soul,

Knowing the beast has taking control,

Invaded my life with not the slightest remorse,

and dragging me through a heartless course,

the darkness is growing

even though the sun shine bright,

refusing to cry and geared for a fight,

you have a lot of fighting in the months ahead

are the words i have circling around in my head,

Radiation is the worse of my fears

all that has been said,

I store in my head,

looking in the mirror the reflection i see

is that of the beast staring back at me,

my eyes so empty and hollow are they,

wishing this nightmare would just go away

days come and weeks go

courage and straight have started to show

you are taking over my life with total control

but i will fight you with my fighting soul

i fought you then

and will fight you again

cause i know from experience you'll be bet in the end

that horrible beast came to me

with no answers

for the beast i am fighting is breast cancer!

Why ask how i feel

Donna called today,

why ask how i feel when she really does not give damn??

over the past year she has really showed that,

besides all the things she totally lied about.

all she really wanted to know is

If i am going to buy her out,

WOW

how the ole mighty dollar can drive people,

yeah it is on my list of things to do,

only it is on the bottom

SORRY

got more pressing things that will come way before that ever does!!!

it is just not top on my list right now,

NIGHT BEFORE LUNG DOCTOR

Its 11:35 pm, june 30th

looks like its going to be a sleepless night,

thinking about lung doctor tomorrow not wanting to hear what he has to say,

hoping for the best, but fearing the worse,

not sure how i feel about it all at this point,

to much to fast,

Breast cancer, Heart problems,Lung problems

they say you are not giving more then you can handle

WELL

Have handled enough of this in my life time!!!

If it is true that what does not kill us only makes us stronger

then how the hell come i have gotten so weak!

not understanding where all this is leading

and not sure i want to know,

just know that saying is oh so true

LIVE EVERY DAY TO ITS FULLEST

cause you never know when it will be your last!!

pressure in chest is not good tonight

took meds but no relief

hmmmmmmmmmmm

what good are they anyway!!

not knowing what the doctor will say tomorrow

should not allow myself to worry about it

But some times that is easier said then done,

If bad news tomorrow not sure if or when i will tell anyone

this time as this is a bit more involved then breast cancer!

Not looking forward to more surgery

but

believe from what lung/allergist said Monday there will be,

at this point nothing would suprise me!

Its thundering outside now

i love thunder storms

Thank you Mickey :)

Still think daily bout getting in my car and just driving way

But

somethings you just can not leave behide,

am really sick of trying to hide how hard it really is to breath

threw my neb in the closet today i m done with that thing!

WOW

think i am actually having a pitty party tonight,

nah, am just pissed,

raining real hard now kinda sounds like it is going to come through the roof

hmmmmmmmmmm

this site helps give me a place to get all this off my mind,

July 1st seeing lung doctor

HURRY UP AND WAIT monday 6/29/09

went for a echo today, not sure how that will come out, it took over an hour

nurse kept leaving coming back and saying the doctor wants just a couple more pictures,

hell she even took pictures of my neck,

what the hell!!!

now the hurry up and wait starts,

i have a appointment july 24th

I bet i find out before then,

well if i have anything to say about it,

will call and bug them until they tell me either everything is ok or its not,

sick of waiting games,

sick of doctors all together!!!

POETRY CORNER

I am here

and yet have been gone for slightly over a year

and it is amazing how my smiles take the place of tears

I now hope instead of fear

that my message is crystal clear

I stared cancer right in the face

not with anger ,

but womanly grace,

and told it to get the hell outta this place!!!!

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow will come and it could be your last,

don;t waste time trying to fix the past!!

Just enjoy each day,

as if it were you last,

for that day will come and it will be your past!!!

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Just Because

I am known by many people, but i have no friends

I'll bring you pain, and suffering,

your happiness I'll end.

My cold embrace,

My chilling breath

My silent deadly kiss

I'll pick you up, I'll throw you down,

into my dark place

I'm silent, I'm invisible

i'm a killer you can;t see

I'll touch you when you least expect it

and i'll never set you free,

I don't hate,

I don't discriminate

i don't choose why plays my game

fat or skinnny

black or white

young or old,,

you are all the same to me

there is no reason for that i do

there is no reason why

i chose you just because

i could!

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DREAMS

I look to the sky and what do i see?

A castle, a rainbow

and dreams for me,

and end to this battle that i must fight

to rid my feelings of saddness

and fright

and end to cancer is not far away!!

it will be here

someday!!

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Sun Rise

If tomorrow starts without me,

and I am not there to see

if the should rise

and find our eyes all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you would not cry the way you did today

well thinking of the many things we did not get to say

i know how much you love me

as much as i love you

and each time you think of me

i am missing you too!

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Daddy's girl

I was daddy's girl this i knew

when we see each other again our faces will glow

dad and mom were sick with cancer i know

i feel their fear as my cancer grows

i'm not ready for you two

god only knows

your waiting in heaven , faces will glow

the time is coming this we know

there will be tears and pain

but we all have to go ,

i will always love you all

in my heart this you all know!!

words for the wise, doctor or flake??

After having a heart cath, and a catscan catscan showing a mass in my lung,

the heart cath well still have not really talked to the doctor yet,

and will have another heart test tomorrow morning,

but getting back to the words for the wise

NEVER LET A DOCTOR MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE NUTS

if your body is telling you HEY well listen to that hey!!!

no matter how many doctors you have to see

LISTEN TO YOUR BODYS WARNINGS!!!!

this is why

My regular doctor had me believing i was nuts,

NOT THE FACT

the fact is

I have been really short of breath, so much so it is hard to do normal everyday things at times

my doctor kept telling me it is my ashma

BS

i am glad i did not listen to her, I went to see a lung/alligy dr on friday

she did many test to see if something was making my ashma problems worse

well she did a test that showed it is not my ashma

i now and headed to a lung doctor and the doctor i seen on friday

believes at that time i will be having byopsi;s of my lungs

so my message here is

IF YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG PUSH AND PUSH HARDER IF NEED BE

DO NOT LET THAT DOCTOR JUST BRUSH YOU OFF,

the doctor i seen friday said i am sorry i can not help you

i looked at her and said you have helped me more then you know,

NEVER LET A DOCTOR BRUSH YOU OFF!!!

May 4th 2009 days after vacation

going to the doctors with Jim

doctor was late and made jim mad :)

Doctor came in and i knew as he walked through that door it was not going to be good,

Doctor said cancer that aweful "C" word once again rares its ugly head,

Jim i know did not hear a word after that,

he was trying to cover things up saying he was so mad cause the doctor was late,

I KNOW THE FEELING BABE

was no covering it from me,

i had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes

never did i cry for myself with breast cancer but

i sure cried for him, trying hard to hold everything back until i was alone,

would have done anything to be able to take it all away from him!!!

I knew he wanted to be alone,

I really did not want to leave him, but i knew he needed his alone time too,

i could see how upset he was, i was scared for him all afternoon,

i cried like baby all the way home,

then had to do my afternoon run and i can not tell you how many stops i went past,

went back to Jim;s that night,

I still could feel and see what he was feeling,

i knew he didn;t want to talk about it,

I LOVE YOU BABE

AND ALWAYS WILL NO MATTER WHAT

AND DON;T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!!!!

am i dreaming? 8/28/08

August 28th 2008

Had a mamogram, then they wanted a ultra sound,

then doctor came in and said we need byposi's

i am not telling you at this point you have cancer but!

BUT??? what the hell does "but" mean???

4 days later had byopsi's

doctor called on the phone and said

diane you have breast cancer can you come in to my office

going to the office, didn't really hear a word she had to say,

after the word cancer,

all kinds of thoughts going through my head,

oh my god

feeling so lost, so alone,

all the thoughts of past family memebers that got that news

knowing then how they truely felt!!!

left the doctors office drove around in circles for a while

not really sure i wanted to tell anyone

knowing i had to

feeling numb, lost, and confused,

headed to Jim, he was doing bills on the computer

i told him, i could see how he felt about it in his actions

in his eyes, not feeling bad for myself but feeling bad for him,

would have done anything if i did not have to give him that news,

coming home and doing my afternoon run kinda dazed,

telling Jeremy that night seeing the fear and hurt in his eyes

seeing the tears building up,

oh it was killing me to have to tell these people that i love so much this news

telling Jen on the phone, hearing the phone go quiet,

my heart was breaking, no not for me,

not once did i cry for me,

my heart was breaking because of seeing the fear and hearing the fear

in everyones eyes and voice,

then telling Stan and hearing that silence again

and hearing him cry,

telling him stop that, i WILL be fine,

going through surgry was ok,

first radiation treatment, a big lump in my throat

thinking to myself, now i truely know how mom felt !!

man i hate that word!!!

April vacation with the guy i love

We had a totally amazing vacation in Jamaica,

I could have stayed there forever, not a worry in the world :)

Horse back riding on land and in the ocean,

which i must say was like bath water,

all the drinks you wanted,

(rum) YUCKY LOL

but i still could not get Jim drunk damn it!! LOL

one of these days babe :)

sitting on the nude beach hahaha he didn't think i would do it :)

DON'T EAT THE HAMBURGERS LOL

Meeting someone i have known for a long time there

she is funny when drinking :)

then Wednesday night, the bar out on the ocean

We got engaged, what a shock, a very nice shock

I LOVE YOU BABE!!!

Saddness we had to leave :((

But we WILL be going back :)

I tried to add a picture here but can not do it I AM BUMMED LOL

I met the love of my life

I met the love of my life on Feb 25 2005 at 7:30 pm at the 99 resturant in Seabrook!

Who would have ever thought that night would lead to some of the happiest times of my life?

I knew that night i wanted to see this guy again and i watched as he drove off in his green truck, thinking to myself hmmmmmmm wonder if i will see him again,

I know now that he felt the same way about me, :)

this is the sweetest guy i have ever known,

I LOVE YOU

The Curse

All at once my world came crashing down,
and no one can understand,
why i often wear a frown,
diagnosed with cancer, were the hardest words to received,
i"m often in wonder is this nightmare really true,
Is this night mare ever going to end?
althought ya can bet ya sweet bippies no matter how bad it is,
there is always someone worse off,
this thing called cancer is nothing but a curse that has touched many in my family,