August 21, byopsi results

I got the results of my biopsy's yesterday friday the 21st,

I didn;t need to have them done as i already knew what the results were going to be,

in less then a year the cancer is back or never gone, not much of a surprise to me,

I have been telling the doctor for months now i am in pain again,

i knew it was there,

the only way to have a fighting chance with this thing is to have both breast removed,

or i know this night mare is just going to keep on going and going,

so i see the surgeon on wednesday, when she is by no doubt going to tell me she has to remove another PART of my breast, only this time she is going to get NO, she is going to remove it all and all of the other one as well or i will find someone who will!!!!

this coming monday i have another fun filled day going for me,

having another cat scan on my lungs to see if that has grown and if so how much,

all this excitement is almost more then i can handle,

I was told tonight to stop thinking about it, maybe i am numb or something but how do ya stop thinking about something that is all but taking over your life???

and how do you stop thinking about when these surgeries happen how am i going to pay my bills??

If anyone has answers to that please let me know cause i do not see how its going to happen,

and here i am looking at a new car, YEAH RIGHT i may as well forget about that cause its not happening, if i am not working would be a little impossible to pay a car payment or insurance payments let alone lights, heat, food, cable, any or that,

i guess this is one of those times when it seems no matter what corner i turn there is a brick wall there that i run right into, to high to climb over and to wide to get around,

lately i have been thinking about finding a support group just to have someone to talk to that truly understands, understands the feeling you have inside, understands the pain you are in EVERY day every minute of everyday, someone that understands the lack of energy you have,

cause noone truly understands that now,

I know i am facing surgery maybe more then one, no definitely more then one there will be 2 just for my breast,

then another possible one for my lungs,

i really see no light at the end of this tunnel at this time, and people just do not understand that,

sometimes i think it would just be easier if i ignored the whole bunch of crap,

the feeling like i am going to crack up is bad,

friggin doctor why didn't she just take them off in the first place like i told her to, a damn year ago!!

not thinking about it does not work for me, i have a constant reminder in the pain i am in all day every day, although i try to hide it, it is becoming more and more impossible to do!!

damn i wish dad or bonnie were here,