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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sunday November 22 2009

It sunday, that means work tomorrow ewwwwww, but the good thing is it is going to be a short week, :) monday and tuesday only :) :) wednesday i will be doing a lot of my cooking, there will be 11 here for thanksgiving, Stan is coming i am excited about that :) he still remains calling me daily, and on weekends he calls me 3 to 4 times a day, yesterday he called 6 times, and this morning he started calling at 6 am hmmmmmmmmmm,

I still remain having problems with the pellet stove, Stan was lucky he fixed his and has not had anymore issues, but if he had not been home when it started acting up the house would had burnt down he said, he said he was scared, hmmmm,

Friday i have to go start round 3 of all the Bs with my boob, the doctor found 2 lumps this time, I knew about 1 of them,the one on the bottom next to were i had my first surgery, the other one is on the only part that has not been sliced or dised yet, it is alot more painful this time, strange but i am hoping that is a good thing, maybe it is just cyst, one can hope, if not it is going to be removed totally this time if i have to go to the butcher shop and find me a butcher :)
It is strange but i am very relaxed, calm mellow about all this now, strange what ya can actually make peice with,
well guess it is bed for me :)

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tuesday Nov 10 2009 9:53 pm

WOW i feel like shit!!! but atleast now i know some of why i hurt so bad,

SWINE FLU!!
went to the doctors this afternoon, since i am hurting aching so bad in some pretty strange places, even my finger nails hurt, well i went to the doctors today, they put me on tamiflu and andamox tr - k clv, they are worried about the not having a spleen, and having ashma, and my resent health, since this is a bactaral infection, fell on my butt today got so dizzy, my balance has not been right for a while,
chic i am not trying to be a hero believe me, i wish i could take the meds,
but i puk enough without them. I LOVE YOU, hope things are getting straightened out now,
off to bed for me

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Saturday Nov.7th 8:56 pm

It has been a long week, and unfortunantly i do not see things getting any easier for a while!
the light at the end of the tunnel that i thought i could see a little bit, is back to the dream
at the end of the tunnel, Is there really a such thing as that light? and just what is the tunnel? I have to wonder!
alone in this battle i guess is the way i need to be,
they say what does not kill us makes us stronger, but to be honest i can't even say it is making me stronger, atleast not in the way i need to be stronger, actually it seems i get weaker instead of stronger, this last week the pain has been kinda unbarible but somehow i keep on pushing through, refusing to take the meds cause i not only get sick from them but also want them to work when i need them worse, i got oncology in a few days see what happens there,
donkeys have been kicking me in the chest a last few days it feels kinda strange, can also feel it in my pulse and kinda takes my breath away for a second,
can't get comfortable the pain in my back and spine is going to drive me coo,

Saturday, October 31, 2009

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

This lie became a part of me,
for months i've played along
acting like it doesn't hurt!
each time it just get worse,
Ignoring the hurt i have inside,
Thinking i'll just go on,
but last night
for the first time
it got right to my heart!
when suddenly it hit me,
as the tears began to flow
that even after all this time
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!

Friday, October 30, 2009

OCT 30, 2009 4:45 pm

Is this going to be the 3rd time for me?? I can't believe after all this time i am going to be facing my third time with all this BS, It is getting really hard to just grin and bare it any more, I have to wonder more and more, (WHAT THE HELL) what did i ever do to get all this BS dumped on me, why is all this happening again and again, one thing right after another, maybe it is just the way life is suppose to be, maybe i did something in a different time and place that deserves all this BS, well like the video said i guess i can try to find the good things about all this and maybe it is suppose to be, i just can't help wondering what all this is suppose to be telling me, maybe it is like the video said maybe this is the way i am suppose to get a new shape and i new body????

I feel like things in my life are getting further and further away, out of reach,
this person i see looking back at me is not really me, I feel like the real me is tucked away in like a egg shell and the real me just can not crack through that shell and get out, head aches more and more and getting worse and worse, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHY!! also hazzy cloudy zig zag dark lines that cloud my eyes more and more, confustion, daised feeling, and forgetfulness, "CRS"
worse then i have ever had it, all this getting so bad i do not even remember how to do what use to be real simple for me, fixing computers for instance,
all this is driving me a bit coo coo, i know i know some of you would say i have always been coo coo, all i have to say about that is BITE ME! :)
i feel alot like i am going deeper and deeper into my own little world, or maybe i should say a scarey place in a unknown world,

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday OCT 25,2009 11:16 am

Yesterday was such a good day, in the was of up lifting, my sweetheart took me to see my brother (in which i miss so very much) i knew i missed him but had no idea how much until seeing him, and he was so happy to see us too,
This family that use to be so big and so close is now so little, and everyone being so far apart is really not that close anymore either, that makes me so sad, words can not even tell you how sad and empty it makes me feel, I am not the only one that feels this way as Jeremy also is saying that alot, this time of the year with the holidays use to be a happy time, now i hate to see them coming,
and jeremy does also, he has said so many times in the last couple weeks that we should just skip all the holidays this year and for now on, cause like me he misses the people, i told him last night that Stan is coming for thanksgiving and he got so excited i seen that happy light in his eyes, and it just started the tears rolling down my face, Stan getting up there in age is starting to show it,
he is talking about retiring, and i am going to do everything i can to get him to come back here when he retires, he too is missing the family as he says so all the time, besides telling me how lonely he is, he has been my life saver for close to 2 years now, Stan and i have always been close even when i was a kid, I need him in my life and not so far away, he calls me every day and we talk and sometimes before we know it 2 or 3 hours have gone by and we are still talking,
ya never know how much you miss and need your family until they are gone,

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

wednesday oct, 14, 921 pm

feeling kinda yucky today, think my pain has pain, NOT FUN!!
trying new pain meds, Doc want hoping they would work without making me sick, well my did a job on my tummy, but i may as well of drank a glass of water cause it would of helped the pain as much as they did,
all they managed to do is upset my tummy, and this is gross but i am burping uncontrolable, and OMG it is like farting out of ya mouth, YUCK!!!
doctor called me this afternoon, he says he has a bunch of test he wants to do,
he also talked to my lung doctor and the lung Dr has a bunch of test he wants him to do sooooooooo guess i am back to test land, i have to see him tomorrow,
i wish walmart sold new bodies, i would for sure be getting one,
I told my boss yesterday i wish they could put people to sleep like they do animals, i would be saying hit me, now that is sad, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and in pain, and now being out of work for a month now and still out until further notice says doctor, what kind of life is this? i will tell ya
A SUCKY ONE!!
to see my son always so upset and the first thing he does in the morning when he gets up is check on me, and the first thing he does when he gets home from work or if he should go out the first thing he does is come check on me and calls me a bunch of times aday to make sure i am ok, it is ripping my heart out,
he stands in my door way or sits on the bottom of my bed and stairs at me all the time, i think he has hugged me more then he ever has in his whole life and if you know jeremy you know he does not do that.... I even find Jim staring at me, i do not know why he puts up with all this crap i am going through and have asked him many times... i am hoping for answers tomorrow and to get what ever this is fixed, all of it everything , i just do not know how much more i can handle of this, and told my doctor he better get a rubber room ready cause this is going to drive me crazy,... this doctor is awesome, and he is trying so hard to get to the bottom of all this, how oftened does a doctor, and i mean (the doctor) not his office staff actually call anyone their self any more, well this doctor does and he not only calls to give me results he calls to see how i am doing and how i am feeling, i got so upset in his office on tuesday and he was great, i told him people are going to think i am nuts, he said NO your totally no nuts, and he said he can tell when someone is seeking drugs or making things up and he can tell when something is real worng and he said he knows there is something really wrong, he said he is actually worried because of all the things that are pointing to not so good things,,, including my BP going totally crazy, one minute it is really high then a minute later it is low then it goes right back up real high, and my pulse is running between 90 and 130, he says that alone tells him that something is totally wrong, he said it is just finding it that is the hard part,
anyway hopefully tomorrow there will be some answers,

Monday, October 12, 2009

HELL NO I WON'T GO!! monday oct 12,2009, 3:00pm

The doctor called and i told him that i still feel like crap, and about all the sweating and out of breath and pain, he wanted me to head to the ER, I told him NO i am done with that and all set there, not going back there, it does no good, he said he is worried and does not like what i am telling him, hmmmmmmm (he doesn't like it)? in all fairness this doctor is awesome and i am new to him, because the other doctor i had (in the same office) SUCKED did not listen to a thing, but anyway he thinks he doesn't like it?? if he does not like to hear it how does he or anyone else think i feel,

i am really thinking about going to boston and see what they have to say,

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday Oct 11, 2009 10 pm

Been a while since i have put anything in here,
been a longggg month, and still feeling like shit,
so many thing the doctors find not even sure what to blame all this on anymore,
just know i feel worse then i have in a very long time,
I am hoping for some answers on thursday or before,
my doctor does not want me to return to work, and i really do not feel like it but think i am going to try my old ways for a while and ignore the hurting things and all that is making me feel so damn shitty and push through it like i use to,
it can only do 1 of 2 things, either i will get through it or it will put me flat on my butt again, not that i am really been off my back for a while now,
try to do anything and have to lay down or a while, NOT THE LIFE I WANT,
as matter of fact hate it, see what my doctor says about the results of talking to my lung doctor,
I have NEVER been a person to lay down during the day time not even as a kid,
now i can not seem to stay up, i really hate it, and really hate feeling this way something has to give,

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wednesday 23, 2009, 109 pm

Longing for the day when i actually feel human again, went to doctor yesterday cause was in so much pain, she took 100 cc's of fluid from my breast, but somehow she knew that was not causing all the pain i am in, she listened to my lungs and she said she can not hear any breath sounds in my right lung, so she sent me to the hospital for xrays, sure enough the pain i am in was not only from my breat, i have pnuemonia, and she said its not good, so i have to go back friday to see her again and have to go monday too, and seeing my lung doctor tomorrow, tomorrow morning WTF i have had enough already..... went to boston with Jim to make sure he actaully went and make sure nothing has changed or got worse, good news there
his PSA was good he has to go back in 6 months :) mean while i am in so much pain i REALLY can't stand it, I have to have another xray in a week cause they are not sure that the pnuemonia is going to clear because of the mass in my lung, i have actaully forgot what it feels like to feel good, i am out of work now until further notice, i just wish i could breath and wish this pain would go away, am wondering if the killer machine did this (killer machine= cpap)
I am really tired and really sick of playinng this game, it does not seem like there is a end to it,
Jim said i look bad, and stacy said as long as she has known me she has never seem me look so bad, it is hard to tell anyone how i actually feel, Jim wanted to talk me to the hospital today instead of going his self but no i want to know he is ok, atleast for now, and now i know he is now i can take care of me, or atleast try to :( i feel so bad right now i would give anything just for this pain to stop!!!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday Sept 20.2009

Its been a while since i have worte in here, Been not feeling well since friday, kinda feel like i have been hit by a car, my chest is hurting, and well my bad boob is bigger then my good boob hmmmmmmmm that can't be good! Have to see Dr friday, might have to go before then, going to have a pet scan, not sure if that is the right spelling but that is what it sounds like lol, it is a scan from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet and it picks up everything, or it is suppose to, even if it is just a swallen joint, i guess i will see, it is a 3 to 4 hour scan, now don't that sound like fun? Not! i have NO energy at all today i have been pushing myself and pushing myself to do things today, and that probably is not helping, oh well such is life,

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday, September 4,2009

It's been a week and a day since my last surgry, In which i had 2 areas, the margens came back clear, so i guess that is a good thing, now fighting a infection and fluid building up, had under my arm drained today, now that was fun, NOT ! then was wrapped like a mommy in a ace bandage real tight it is suppose to keep the fluid out of there, but i was not able to keep it on it hurt to much, and another change of antibiotics now i am on 2, as for the boob well it is draining itself about everyother day YUCK!!
i will be going back on wednesday and i am sure from what she said today she will be draining more then, and another tight wrap to keep the fluid out,
I will try hard to leave that one in place for 3 days,
and also there may have to be IV antibiotics if this infection has not improved, time will tell,

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Wednesday 26 2009, 9:30 pm surgry tomorrow

Went to see surgeon today @4 as i knew she was going to say i need surgery again, BIG SURPRISE, NOT!
only it is not the same this time, instead of
ductal carcinoma like last time this time it is
atypical intraductal hyperplasia
all these big words,
what does all this mean? well all leads to same thing
breast cancer, so tomorrow once again i am having surgery,
followed by MRI's every 3 months then every 6 months for 8 years,
am extra upset about this surgery tomorrow because it screwed up my plans
I had a interview tomorrow at the power plant that i now can not go to :( :( :(

Saturday, August 22, 2009

August 21, byopsi results

I got the results of my biopsy's yesterday friday the 21st,
I didn;t need to have them done as i already knew what the results were going to be,
in less then a year the cancer is back or never gone, not much of a surprise to me,
I have been telling the doctor for months now i am in pain again,
i knew it was there,
the only way to have a fighting chance with this thing is to have both breast removed,
or i know this night mare is just going to keep on going and going,
so i see the surgeon on wednesday, when she is by no doubt going to tell me she has to remove another PART of my breast, only this time she is going to get NO, she is going to remove it all and all of the other one as well or i will find someone who will!!!!
this coming monday i have another fun filled day going for me,
having another cat scan on my lungs to see if that has grown and if so how much,
all this excitement is almost more then i can handle,
I was told tonight to stop thinking about it, maybe i am numb or something but how do ya stop thinking about something that is all but taking over your life???
and how do you stop thinking about when these surgeries happen how am i going to pay my bills??
If anyone has answers to that please let me know cause i do not see how its going to happen,
and here i am looking at a new car, YEAH RIGHT i may as well forget about that cause its not happening, if i am not working would be a little impossible to pay a car payment or insurance payments let alone lights, heat, food, cable, any or that,
i guess this is one of those times when it seems no matter what corner i turn there is a brick wall there that i run right into, to high to climb over and to wide to get around,
lately i have been thinking about finding a support group just to have someone to talk to that truly understands, understands the feeling you have inside, understands the pain you are in EVERY day every minute of everyday, someone that understands the lack of energy you have,
cause noone truly understands that now,
I know i am facing surgery maybe more then one, no definitely more then one there will be 2 just for my breast,
then another possible one for my lungs,
i really see no light at the end of this tunnel at this time, and people just do not understand that,
sometimes i think it would just be easier if i ignored the whole bunch of crap,
the feeling like i am going to crack up is bad,
friggin doctor why didn't she just take them off in the first place like i told her to, a damn year ago!!
not thinking about it does not work for me, i have a constant reminder in the pain i am in all day every day, although i try to hide it, it is becoming more and more impossible to do!!
damn i wish dad or bonnie were here,

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Round 2, wednesday 12, 2009 7:00 am

Spent the night in the hospital last night, didn't sleep much,
what they want me to do not sure i can do, but will give it a try!
yesterday afternoon I got the results of my MRI that i had done, cancer is back,
(or never gone) it has been 1 year since the last round of BS and here i am again, or should say still!!!
I will be having a mass this time probably a double, because i am not going for the third round,
At this point am pretty discouraged, as i knew that was going to be the results,
ever just had that gut feeling? mine is usually right,
i also have another gut feeling about the cat scan i am going to have on my lungs,
I am kinda feeling at this point not to good, my outlook is getting dimmer and dimmer,
I see NO light at the end of this tunnel,
today is one of those days when i say is it all worth it, will i win in the long run,
questions i often find myself thinking about lately,
i kinda keep most feelings in these days and feel them eating my insides,
It is getting harder and harder to think of any kind of a future because these days i am not sure what kind of a future is in store for me,
I am finding my self sitting here right now just wanting to leave walk away and enjoy some time while i can,
simple things in life now my eyes see, the colors outside, the trees the birds, sounds, rain drops falling on my face, the smell of the air, simple things in life that we all take for granted,
sounds of bird singing, the clouds in the sky, the sunshine in my eyes, all these things that most often taken for granted!

Monday, August 10, 2009

TOMORROW

In your darkest hour,
In your deepest despair
We do still care,
She will be there!!!
Through all your doubts and frustrations,
In your violence and your turbulence,
Through all your fear
and all your confusion,
In your anguish and your pain,
through your joy and sorrow
In the promise of brighter tomorrows
we will never let you down!
For you are always in our hearts!
______________________________________________________________
Hang in there girl, those brighter days WILL come, Just remember YOU control you,
or buy a cast iron fry pan LOL,

Struggle monday august 10th 2009, 3:27 pm

Today it is really hard to breath, I feel like i am trying to breath under water,
it is zapping all my energy, feeling real sleepy, just want to lay down,
but am going to keep moving,
the water here has been off all day so the town can hook up the new houses
it just came on a little while ago and even after running it for 10 minutes it is still black and muddy, mmmmmmmmmmm think i want a drink of that :)
really not much to write things have been kinda slow for once,
still have not got my MRI results, who says Doctors are allowed to go on vacation anyway lol,
tomorrow night back to the sleep clinic for another night of fun lol,
friday leaving to see my chicy that i miss so much, can't wait

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Thursday August 6th, 10:38 am

I got it chicy :)
Have not wrote anything here for the last few days,
Yesterdays over night test, did not go so good, my o2 level drops way low while i am sleeping, in low 80's, had to have o2, which really does not surprise me since i have been so short of breath this week, real bad,
I just added a video to my site, i heard this song on the radio yesterday while i spent the day in concord, and balled my eyes out like a baby LOL so had to enter it to my blog, I guess the people that know me know i love angels anyway.
i need to get my collection out and put them up...
seeing my lung doctor sooner then i was suppose to
cat scan sooner also, because after he got all the blood results back and went over the cat scan i already had with the radiologist they did not like the results,
my blood does not mix right with my o2 or should of said that the other way around, had a cat scan already set up for sept 1st, but he wants it sooner,
so now i am having it on the 20th,
Still have not got my results of breast MRI i had on friday, my doctor has not got report yet as the radiologist is on vacation, so i went to hospital to pick it up they gave me the CD but said they can not give me the report until a doctor sits down and talks to me about it, Sigh, i hate hurry up and wait!!!
today i have a really strange peaceful feeling,
8days left before i see my chicy,
I know tears will fly that day LOL
damn where did all these years go? yesterday i was 20 not a care in the world,
today well ya know i am 28 :)and so many things going on in life,
Still wanting to dance, i find my self thinking about that all the time,
kinda want to be a little wild these days, before the time comes i can't. sad but true, no one in their 40's should be thinking those thought but when faced with so many things in the last year i guess i do not know where life will be heading in another year from now or even sadder to say what kind of shape i will be in, and well i will not finish the rest cause that would just make me and many other people upset, as i sit here with tears in my eyes LOL
I think today i will head for the park for a while have not been there for a while and really love to walk around there and think and just take in all the smells of the flowers, and all the colors,
then off to Jims i miss you babe, i love you HUG

Monday, August 3, 2009

Monday August 3, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

The last 2 days breathing has not been good, yesterday worse then today, plus anxiety attacks (where the heck did these come from anyway) have never had them in my life, they started in june and still getting them, i am told it is all the crap i am going through but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and these things are driving me nuts, i never really understood when someone would say they were having one until june when it happened to me for the first time, when it is a bad one it kinda could make someone think they were having a heart attack, i do not let them get that bad now as i have meds to calm me down if i feel it starting,
Appointments for this week,
tomorrow night send night in hospital, No biggy and kinda crazy have to have a sleep study, like i said before kinda crazy cause even if they tell me i have to have that machine to sleep knowing me i will not wear it cause it will drive me crazy, but who knows Jim says he knows guys he works with that have them and the guys say they feel sooooooooooo much better since they started using it,
i just do not think it is going to be to easy sleeping with something covering my face hmmmmmmmm,
that is the only appointment this week WOW how did i manage that one lol
Jim is in more and more pain by the day, arm is almost always numb now, it breaks my heart to see him hurting and in pain, i wish they would hurry the hell up, between the 2 of us we are keeping the doctors very busy, NOT GOOD,
:) counting the days until we go to VA, :)
for the first time in a very long time i have actually done something good for my self today, i bought a brand new car, :) well have not got it yet cause the dealership has to make sure the clunker money comes through before i pick it up,
i have said for a long time i would never buy another new car, but the used ones with over 100,000 miles on them are just as much as i am paying for the new one,
the insurance will be the killer,
anyway i still not allowing myself to get to excited until i actually have it here in my yard :)
one thing i will do when i get it is go see my brother cause he has a hard time driving down here cause his knee and ankle are in rough shape, when i go i will surprise him , ofcourse i could get that and the surprise be on me and he won't be home lol i have wanted to get in my car and drive and when i get the new one i will actually dare to lol,
Donna sent me another email tonight, not asking how i am, not even asking whats going on, nothing, like she could give a shit less, i was good though cause i wanted to send her a email and tell her just what i really think of her, and tell her to lose my email address, and to F off, she has proved to me through this last year, that she really could give a damn less if i am dead or alive, and i now feel the same about her, and i just want so much to tell her,
god forbid something happen to me, if it does i have told just about everyone she is not even to be allowed in there, not even for a second, i will tell Jim, jeremy and Jen already know, and i will also tell stan, as i have before, to me if she does not give a damn while i am here she need not even try to come there with her fake tears, they are not wanted or needed, (UNLESS) i can sit up and put my hands around her throat and choke her to death LOL
i am working on more poems so more coming soon,I am going to call and get the results of my MRI tomorrow cause i do not want to wait any longer,hmmmmm wonder if i can call and order them now and get them tomorrow, well lets just see :) there just called to pick those reports and mri's up tomorrow,
these days i like to see with my own 2 little eyeballs just what the test say,
I am still hoping and praying that they will not be as bad as my surgeon thinks they will be, we will see
wish i was with my sweetheart tonight, but i did see him this afternoon cause he went with me to get the car :)
THANK YOU BABE!
I still want to get the disability insurance on it just incase i am out of work then the insurance pays for it until i go back to work
i wasn't born yesterday LOL
cause the way i am going i could be out having more sergry and it would be nice if the car payment was being paid :)
i had that before when i had the first car i ever bought and WOW did that come in handy since i had many surgeries then, well worth the couple hundred ya have to pay for it :)
when i think about work coming up fast it kinda makes me sick, i was hoping after taking the summer totally off i would feel different about the place but seems i hate it more, really think i would be happier in a store, and after the startup meeting i maybe doing just that oh wait not until after the seafood fest lol
if i put the money i got for the seafood fest on my car a BIG chunk of it would be paid for :)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Just Because

I am known by many people,
But I have no friends.
I'll bring you pain and suffering
your happiness i'll end,
My cold embrace, my chilling breath
My silent deadly kiss.
I;ll pick you up, then throw you down,
I'm silent, I;m invisible
i'm a killer you can;t see,
i'll touch you when you least expect
and i'll never set you free,
I don't hate, i don;t discriminate,
I don;t choose who plays my game.
Fat or Black.Young or old
to me you are all the same
There is no reason for whati do
there is no reason why
I chose you just because....
I could!

Life

Life is hard,
life is tough,
You need to be strong
and never give up,
There may be days
that never seem to end
and you feel like you
don;t have a friend,
But keep on walking
Down that road
your friends will follow
and bear your load
but face each day
and what it brings
and you'll be ready
to face anything!!

Friday, July 31, 2009

July 31, MRI and plastic surgeon today

Had a appointment for a breast MRi today, ofcourse they could not get a vein so they had to put a pik line in, after they tried to get a vein like between my fingers, needless to say that sucked, and did not work, so they had to get the ultra sound and do a pik line on the inside of my inner right arm, 3 and a half hour later the MRi was done, the pik line did not hold out and it leaked in my arm, that hurt when they put that dye in for sure,
Plastic surgeon, well my regular surgeon not only admitted that she should have removed all of the breast but now is 98 % sure i have cancer back and not only in one breast but both, so she set up a appointment with a plastic surgeon,
IF this MRi turns out the way she is thinking it is going to i will be having both breast removed, and she set up a appointment with the plastic surgeon for reconstruction, after talking with the plastic i have decided that if it comes to that point i am going to have reconstructive surgery from my own body, no implants, after all i would not want to give myself cancer would i ? LOL
so i will be having lipo from my stomach after a while and and molded into the breast area, what sides do ya think DDD"S?? lol NO just kidding
will be c's the same as now, well i guess another way to look at all this is if i have to have it done i will be getting a smaller stomach while i am at it LOL
ok ok i know bad joke, but it is better then crying, i am trying to handle this the best way i can, and i guess ya know things that hurt rather then cry i try hard to joke about it, :)
I did not tell anyone of these appointments today well for a few difference reasons, #1 i needed to let it stink into my own head,
#2 really did not know how to tell anyone,
#3 everyone has their own issues, 'i just need to do somethings for myself
and i guess i am also trying to let it really sink in, and i do not want people getting all upset, if i do not let myself to be that way noone needs to get that way either,
I know and Everyone else knows this was going to be a rough road ahead
but hey do not lose hope yet cause the fat woman has not sung yet :)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

July 30th 2009, 11:00 PM

Been a few days since i have been here, I finished the stairs yesterday,YAY :) they came out great!
Been to one doctor or another everyday this week, Have a MRI tomorrow,
cause doctor really does not like the way things look, many many cyst, and they are turning into abscess, on antibiotics, MRi is to see the underline cause of all this, Doctor admitted that maybe she should have removed the breast when she did the surgery, in much pain try not to let it get to me or let it show, somedays better then others, am REALLY sick and tired of doctors sometimes i feel like what i do not know will not bother me, kinda like ignore it and it will go away :)
Jim remains in pain, hate to see him in pain!
hope they fix him soon,
Lung Dr told me many things the other day, kinda understand things there a little better, can't say i like it but will live with it, Radiation did bad damage to my lung, unfix able, also now understand why they have to wait 3 months to do the next catscan, waiting 3 months will tell them how much the mass in my lung has grown and also how fast, another hurry up and wait,
I still do not say much to many people as they have enough of their own problems, and I can handle this i am a big girl now LOL, TO BIG LOL
my oncologist cleared alot of that up for me yesterday as well, between the tamoxifen and the removal of my inners, well that together is causing all my FAT :( but this too i will win, bread and water here i come LOL
not much energy lately, blood is pretty low, explains why i have been wanting vegies alot, and liver YUCK, but guess my body knows what it needs,
am worried about Jim as he has not had much energy lately either,
or maybe i am boring him to death :( i know at times i am boring myself LOL
still waiting to wake up and all this night mare will be over, both for me and him,
damn i want my old self back,
who ever traded bodies with me and left this old broken down one please give mine back,
think it is time to put this way cause WOW am i dizzy,
still think someone has something to tell me,
hmmmmmmmmmmm

Friday, July 24, 2009

Waves of emotion

Went to the heart doctor today, he said he wants to put the heart on the back burner as it is the least of my worries at this point, he said my valves need to be changed but right now with everything else that is going on it is better to leave it be, i will go back in 6 months.
I am feeling like i need to get the hell outta here right now at this moment,
life kinda sucks,
I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so many,
i can't get the music loud enough to hear it through all the thoughts in my head,
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF EVERYTHING!!!!
I wish all these thoughts i have in my head would get lost,
hell why can't i forget them like i forget everything else,
like i forget where my doctors offices are, hmmmmm yeah had to go to 3 different places before i found my heart doctor today, even though i was just there 2 weeks ago and many other times,
finally i found it in the 3rd building i went to, lol,
all fooling aside i think they need to check my head and see where my marble have gone,
I LOST MY JAR TOO :)
the feelings i have in my head and all the things going around in my head really are driving me crazy!
i have this dream all the time lately that i just get in my car and leave and go where noone knows me, and stay there, if only i could leave this body behide :)
does not sound half bad does it?? lol
there has to be more to life then this, this hurry up and wait shit drives me nuts,
i wish for once someone would just do it, get it done with, and what ever happens, happens,
i really feel as though i am going to crack up maybe i already am,
sometimes i just do not want to be here anymore, to many things going wrong in this body wish i could trade it in for a new one, lol
what the hell are all these feelings i am having why are they here i do not understand, hell i do not understand anything anymore,
and am really sick of trying to understand, at times .wow got to get off here and out of this house before i continue to freak out as i am right now, i am going for a ride,

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Wednesday 22

Ultra sound at 10 tomorrow,
thank god it is a ultra sound and not a boob masher cause there is no way in hell i can do that ,
my boob is killing me and swallen
ok enough of my bitchin lol

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Appointments this week,

Wednesday Blood test
Thursday Ultra sound on my boob, not looking forward to it, more biopsy's,
hard to believe i was in this same seat 1 year ago, thinking about how i felt then, still feel as though this is all a dream, and i will wake up soon,
Friday heart doctor yippy just one more thing on my plate!
Monday, Lung doctor, don't want to think about it
Tuesday, surgeon to discuss what needs to be done,
Wednesday, Oncologist, blood test and more blood test
Thursday MRI
Friday medicare renewal,
CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!
I MISS MY TUB,

To my children, (Althought you are grown)

I remember years ago,
You were so small then,
Sometimes I can't help but wish,
That you were both small again!
I've cried when you've faced heartache,
and saw, that as you grew
nothing broke your spirit,
instead it strenghtened you,
I'm filled with mixed emotions
as I hold back all the tears,
and with so much pride remember,
back so many years.
When I first held you in my arms,
if only i had known,
the years would feel like moments,
until you both had grown,
you are not a child anymore
although in my eyes
I guess you'll always be
that baby who changed my life
and means the world to me!!
I LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

Mom and Dad

You were there for my first breath,
And I was there for your last,
The time we got to share together,
went by to quick..... to fast!
for life or someone took you away,
with that hateful, horrible disease,
We were not even given time, to sneeze,
You were gone, and I was left
To struggle through this life,
The pain struck more when I looked into mom's eyes,
as she dreaded to continue without you,
Continue she did, for a while
how proud I was of she,
Times were tough, as she missed you dearly,
but she was always as strong as could be.
Then came along in not much time,,
more horrible and sad news,
Mom was sick, the same as you,
The heart had got her too,
How could this be? Its hardly a year,
Since I lost you, my dad,
I hate this world for what it is doing!
Why does our family have to be that someone??
I stayed with mom for a while,
Eventually it made her quite sick,
Then it was time to say goodbye to mom too,
I wish it was a dream, and i could wake up,
but this nightmare is horribly true,
and so I continue, each day different from the next,
The pain still so real and true,
still trying to accept, and understand,
why did this happen to you?
I now sit, and try to picture you two,
and hope that you are both together,
and this world we live in is not the end!!
Until its time for us to meet again,
Please be there watching over me,
Help me to continue through this life
and give me direction I can see,
Mom and Dad you are my world,
you are both as precious as a pearl,
everyday I love you with all my heart,
Signed....... your little girl....

Saturday, July 18, 2009

WOW my mind is blown

The one person i did think i got whole bunch of BS really does get it, Jeremy just called to see if i was ok, he got rather deep on the phone, and he actually told me he loves me WOW, He is at work and called me on the phone we had a deep conversation, i guess maybe he is like me and something ya just keep inside,
I truely did not think he got this whole thing,, today i know he does get it and just how serious all this BS really is, WOW my mind really is blown,

It was like Stan on the phone yesterday someone who speaks few words, but every now and then he lets it all out lately, well twice now the phone has gone silent, yesterday was one of those times, then he opens up and says just what is on his mind, and yesterday he told me this is all bull shit, and totally unfair, i told him to stop it cause i will be ok, he calls me daily now, Stan was one thing, but jeremy? WOW i am still in shock, He does get it,
Jeremy only shows his feeling normally when something is really bugging him,
he is a deep person and keeps most things inside well (unless he is mad) LOL
the hurting feelings and the scarey feelings he usally barries, i catch him staring at me alot lately, i just look at him and smile, or give him a hug no need for words, i know the look, i have been there many times in my life, I am scared for him, because i know how he is, the last thing in the world i want to do is hurt the ones i love, in anyway, but somethings are totally out of people control!!
I know why Jeremy called, I think he had things to say that he could not say face to face, but he wanted to say them, he also looked in my folder this morning where i keep my appointments and reports, the report from my surgeon was on top (not where i put it) so after he read that i am sure all his feeling s that he has been keeping in went wild, he did say to me on the phone mom you have had alot of things in your life they said you would not make it out of the hospital from the meningist but you did, but mom this is different, this is scarey, he said you have had a lot of things in your life and always turned out ok, he said so noone really takes it to serious when you are sick, then he said but i seen that paper, then he made me cry he said mom please make it through this time, he said i know how serious this is now, that really shocked me,

I am going to make it through this too, it is just going to be a bit more difficult, but i will do it, :)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Breathing test, friday July 17th 9:00 am

I went to have a ashma breathing test today, I was there for 2 hours long test, and very rough on the chest! the test totally wore me out for the rest of the day not to even speak of the pain i was in for the rest of the day, They came to the conclustion that my shortness of breath is not from my ashma as my lungs fill and empty as they are suppose to, only they do not asorb the O2 and my O2 levels are real low, like 84 the machine they put you on does many many test and at one point it kinda breaths for you, only my lungs could not handle the air it was trying to push in, compaired to the test i had 4 years ago this one has gotten alot worse, and after using the neb machine there it does not help, the one doing the test faxed it right to my lung but being friday i did not think i would hear anything from him today, the one doing the test did put on the test that further test are suggested, IE: MRI, catscan, scope into lungs, now that sounds like fun, that sounds like so much fun, that personally i could do without!!

ON a lighter note Jim and I are going to see my chicy next month :)
i would like to run away and hide while i am there and not come back LOL,

i would love to find a island that no other people are on for the rest of the summer and just stay there,, hmmmmmmmmmm there is only of them at the marsh at the end of the road i think LOL


I will be going to see the lung doctor i believe it is next week, and ultra sound and MRI on the mass in my boob wednesday or thursday of next week,

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I just do not understand life anymore

Not sure in what direction life is going anymore, as a matter of fact not sure about much of anything any more, but one thing i do know, all this BS had better push the hell over cause i am coming through!!! and i am not going to stop pushing until i am standing on that other side thumbing my nose at the BS you put unexpecting and undserving people through, this ugly shit keeps rearing its ugly head, BUT I am only going to play this game one way, and that is I WIN!!! so take your ugly BS and get the hell out of my life!!! do not delay just go away you are buggin me!!! you have taken many others in my family but you are not getting me!! so take ya ugly BS and go haunt someone else, cause like i have said before YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WIN THIS TIME
i have fought you before and i will fight you again but damn i must say i am sick of fighting in my life, i would like to know what happiness is just once in my life time, i mean total happiness, not worry,
people tell me i "need god" or alturnitive medicine, know what i have to say about that? I say if there is a freakin god he is one mean hateful son of a bitch!!!
cruel and hateful!! so why in the hell would i want anything to do with such a thing? one has to ask there self, if there is a such thing why the hell does he make people suffer? giving them cancer, MS? MD, and all of these other un named illness's why the hell would he give drugies good health when they do not care about there health, and they are trying to kill their selfs anyway,? why would he not give all these illness'es to killers, drugies, rapest, why does he give so many babies to people that just abuse them and not let people that really want them and will take care of them have them, WHY WHY i ask you????, WHY does he torcher good people, and give bad people all the good things in life, like their health and kids, and WHY does he give all the bad things to all the good people what the hell!!!
SO, NO TO ME THERE IS NO GOD,
and to me life is hell so you have to be going to a better place, i truely believe that, I will fight this bull shit he has gave me, and no matter where it rares its ugly head, i will fight harder, soooooooooo SCREW YOU CANCER GO VISIT GOD I CAN HEAR HIM CALLING YOU!!!!
thursday july 16th 11:08 pm

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Does bad news always come in bucket loads for everyone or just me??

I want to know one thing, is it really as hard as they say it is to give ya bad news????
had my monthly mamo a few days ago, since then my boob has been very hard like knocking on a counter top,
hmmmmmmmmm
then comes the phone call, saying Diane i am sorry to have to tell you this
"the radioligist did not like the looks of your mamogram"
"he thinks we need more biopsi's"
"I am really sorry to have to tell you this again"
hmmmmmmmmmm
my question is does it really bother doctors to call you on the friggin phone and tell you that????hmmmmmmmmm one may never really know,
maybe they need biopsi;s again but they can wait until i see if i am going to have to have biopsi's on my lung, because they can do them at the same time while i am knocked out and remove both of them at the same time!!!
I am done playing!!!!!!!!!!!
either do it and do it right or leave me the hell alone!!!
YUP i have come to that point sadly i have to admit,
and they did not know why i have pain, hmmmmmmmmmm i bet they do now,
the trouble with doctors these days is they do not listen the their patients!!!
if it is back and not even been a year then off the friggin thing, both of them!!
have not said anything to anyone today, not sure i am going to for a while
jeremy does not handle that news well, and with him out there playing in the land of the chain saw i sure do not want him distracted and slip with that friggin thing,
Jim well he has his own issues to deal with maybe having to have another surgry on his neck I hate to see him in pain, and having cancer his self , everyone has enough issues of their own and do not need mine,
NO more friggin lump it out cause that has never worked for me!!!
if it is back the whole thing is leaving this time and while they are at it they can take the other one too, i would not want to be uneven, now would i? lol
along with the part of my lung that has issues if that mass like thingy is cancer i am probably done anyway,
I DO NOT WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME NO MORE!!!
Jim was in pain,
so i sure was not going to lay that on his shoulders!
God Bonnie where are you when i need my person to talk to for advice,
all i have to hear when i go to see the heart surgeon friday is more bad news ,i will bend over and get a running start and run into the cement wall head first!
I m not even kidding, so much to look forward to wooooooooo hooooooooooo aint live gran?
well i guess there is one thing i can think about and that is what boob size do i want, lol i know bad joke, but crying is out of the question,
chemo, a very real posiblty this time
hmmmmmmmmmmmm no hair anywhere on my body for months,
now here is something to look forward to puking everyday,,
oh yeah now thats a treat, everyone should have that on their list of things to look forward to,
more on the serious side here now,
ok i think i have lost it!!!
time for bed Wednesday July 15 12:52 Am

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Sunday July 12th 10:19 pm

Well it has been a weard week, with alot of strange feelings

some good some bad, but i try not to let them get to me,

Friday, July 3, 2009

Pain

Pain has become a friend of mine,
for it visits all the time,
By my side it does stay
Though I wish it would go away,
It does not know its welcomes gone
that i never liked it all along,
would someone tell it,
it needs to go?
yes pain stays with me everyday
while i let it guide the day
leading deeper into hell
for i am weakened by its spell
it clings to me with all its might
holding on forever tight
it is no longer welcome here
it needs to leave with its friend fear!
i think its time for it to go
would someone please let it know?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Jens Site

Loving You

I'm thinking about you,
a little more each day
holding on a little tighter
to all the words you say
Every day I miss you
more then the day before
Our time together i love
and i want even more,
I used to dream of you,
As i laid in bed each night
now you are my dreams
even through the daylight!
I felt a flutter in my heart
whenever i saw you online
Today my heart is glowing
filled with a brilliant shine
I was shy to tell you everything
inwhich i was feeling in my heart,
Now i feel so free to share
with nothing i want to hide,
I thought you were special
from the moment we met
and each day a little further
into my heart you would get
I could always feel a bond
everytime out hearts shared
when our souls bond also
i realize how much i cared,
I find my heart needing yours
cherishing all that you do
now, i'm not scared to admit
i have fallen in love with you!!!